Free Toxic Parents by Susan Forward

daughters but an obsessive penny-pincher with himself.
    I remember one day when he came to see me after work. I asked him how his day had been and he laughingly told me that he’d almost blown an $18 million deal because he’d been late for a meeting. Though usually punctual, Eli had circled the block for twenty minutes looking for a parking place on the street to avoid the cost of the building’s lot. He had jeopardized $18 million for the sake of a $5 parking fee!
    As we explored some of the roots of his obsession with saving money, it became apparent that his father’s voice, even twelve years after his death, still resounded in Eli’s head:
My parents were poor immigrants. I grew up in total squalor. My folks, particularly my father, taught me to be afraid of everything. He would say, “It’s a savage world out there, if you don’t watch your step you’ll get eaten alive.” He made me feel that I had nothing to look forward to except danger, and he didn’t stop even after I’d gotten married and made a lot of money. He’d always be giving me the third degree about what I was spending on things and what I bought. And when I made the mistake of telling him, his standard response was, “You idiot! You waste money on luxuries. You should be saving every penny. Hard times will come, they always do, and then you’ll need that money.” It got to the point that I was terrified to spend a penny. My father never thought of life as something that could be enjoyed, he just saw it as something we had to endure.
    Eli’s father projected the terrors and hardships of his own life on his son. When Eli went on to success, he heard his father’s admonitions every time he tried to enjoy the fruits of his labor. His father’scatastrophic predictions formed a never-ending tape loop in Eli’s head. Even if Eli could bring himself to buy something for his own pleasure, his father’s voice would prevent him from enjoying it.
    His father’s general mistrust of the future carried through to his thoughts on women. Like success, women would inevitably turn on you someday. He had a suspicion of women that bordered on paranoia. His son internalized these views as well:
I’ve had nothing but bad luck with women. I’ve just never been able to trust them. My wife divorced me because I kept accusing her of extravagance. It was ridiculous. She’d buy a handbag or something, and I’d start thinking bankruptcy court.
    As I worked with Eli, it became clear that money was not the only issue that came between him and his wife. He had a very hard time expressing feelings, especially tender ones, and she found this increasingly frustrating. This problem persists in his single life. As he expressed it:
Every time that I take out a woman, I hear my father’s voice saying, “Women love to trick men. They’ll take you for all you’ve got if you’re stupid enough to let them.” I guess that’s why I’ve always gone for inadequate women. I know they can’t outsmart me. I always make lots of promises about taking care of them financially or setting them up in business, but I never follow through. I guess I’m trying to trick them before they trick me. Will I ever find a woman I can trust?
    Here was a bright, perceptive man who allowed powerful forces from beyond the grave to control him, even though he understood intellectually what was happening. He was a prisoner of his father’s fear and mistrust.
    Eli worked extremely hard in therapy. He took risks and pushed himself to adopt new behaviors. He began to confront many of hisinternal terrors. Ultimately, he bought a luxurious condominium—a big step for him. He still felt guilty about it, but he learned to tolerate the guilt.
    The voice inside his head will always be there, but he has learned to turn down the volume. Eli is still struggling with his mistrust of women, but he has learned to see this mistrust as a legacy from his father. He is working hard to trust the woman he’s