Free Putting Alice Back Together by Carol Marinelli

poured another margarita instead.

Ten
    I woke at two.
    Just shot awake, wondering what had woken me, my heart racing and trying to catch my breath, sure that I must have had a nightmare—except I still couldn’t breathe.
    I was soaked in sweat, and I dragged myself into the bathroom, gulped icy water from the tap—it didn’t help. I had to concentrate on breathing. It wasn’t happening. Every breath was an effort and I couldn’t seem to get enough in.
    I rang Roz—I knew she was on a date, but surely she’d be home by now. I didn’t even care at that point.
    ‘Roz…’ I could barely get the word out as her voice came on the phone. ‘I can’t…’
    ‘It’s okay…’ I could hear she was groggy and asleep but just the sound of her voice calmed me. At least someone knew, I mean, if I collapsed this second Roz would send for help. ‘I’m on my way.’
    She didn’t even dress—mind you, Roz’s sleepwear is pretty much the same as her day wear: tracksuit bottomsand a vast T-shirt, except, horror of horrors, she wasn’t wearing a bra.
    All this I noticed as she bundled me into her little car. My breathing was a bit better. Since I had known help was on the way, it had improved a fraction. And as we drove to the hospital I managed to get my breathing into some sort of a rhythm right till we got to the doors. Security was waving her on.
    ‘You can’t park here, love.’
    ‘She can’t breathe!’ Roz said.
    ‘Then she’s in the right place, but patient drop-off is down there.’
    Roz was muttering and swearing and then I saw my hands do this strange thing: they were tingling but it was like my hands were spastic, my fingers all curling up, and I couldn’t straighten them.
    ‘She’s going unconscious…’ I could hear Roz panicking, but the security didn’t panic, he rolled his eyes and got a nurse, who helped me out of the car. She didn’t seem to be particularly worried either.
    They took me straight into the triage room; the nurse put a little probe on my finger and told me to calm down.
    ‘I can’t breathe…’
    ‘Your oxygen saturation is ninety-nine per cent’ There was a bored note to her voice which infuriated me as she wrapped a blood-pressure cuff around my arm. Did she have any idea how hard it was to get it to that? Breathing should be natural, you shouldn’t have to think about it, but I did. I had to pull in air and hold it in, and it still didn’t go deep enough. My hands were doing strange things, and she was giving me a bloody paper bag and telling me to breathe in and out slowly.
    ‘You’re having a panic attack.’
    ‘No!’ I pushed the bag away.
    ‘How much have you had to drink tonight, Alice?’
    What did that have to do with anything? ‘I’m allergic…’
    ‘To what?’
    ‘Hazelnuts.’
    ‘Okay…’ the nurse said, ‘you can wait in the waiting room. Just keep breathing into your paper bag.’
    ‘I can’t.’ I couldn’t. I could not face going out there, but the fucking nurse wouldn’t budge. ‘Your girlfriend can let us know if you get worse.’
    Now, a quick explanation here. In Australia, and it took me a while to get used to this, but a friend who’s a girl is called your girlfriend. I’ve been back to London and it’s used more that way there too now, but there was something about the way she said girlfriend that had me frown. I looked over at Roz, who was blushing bright red and then she led me out.
    ‘She thinks we’re…’
    ‘I know,’ Roz mumbled, blushing to her roots. ‘Just breathe into the bag.’
    It wasn’t helping. My lips were tingling, there was just so much noise, so much going on, I couldn’t stand it. I stood up and paced. I honestly didn’t feel safer in the hospital. I actually thought I might die here, and then they’d be bloody sorry. Panic attack indeed!
    I was up at the big plastic shield that separated the staff from the waiting room now, and the nurse was refusing to look over. I could see stars and spots and I