Free The Return by Christopher Pike Page B

what it's going to be like." She shrugged.
    "Maybe it won't be like anything. Maybe I'll just be dead and that will be it."
    "No," Jean said firmly. "Your body will die but you'll go on."
    Debra smiled sadly. "I wish I had your faith."
    It was Jean's turn to hesitate because she really didn't know what she wanted to say to the poor girl. But at the same time she felt compelled to speak, and she believed that what she would say would be the truth.
    "It's not that I have faith. I just know that your time of death is no more important than when you change your clothes. Don't ask me how I know. I can't explain it. The main thing is, when death comes, you don't need to be afraid. That's important. Fear is the only thing that can hold you back."
    Debra listened. "Hold you back from what?"
    "From going on to more joy. It's a lot harder to be born than to die. You'll see, and when you do, you'll say to yourself, 'That foolish girl in the hospital was right.'"
    "Are you a fool?"
    "Sure. But you know, only fools get into heaven."
    Debra grinned. "Who told you that?"
    Jean stood up quickly from the bed. Debra's question had a profound effect on her. For a moment Jean felt as if there were two of her standing in the room, one visible, the other a reflection. She felt as if she should be able to glance over her shoulder and see her other half to answer Debra's question. She felt inexplicable joy even with a dying girl watching her.
    "Someone wise," Jean said softly, turning away.
    "I'll see you tomorrow."
    "I hope so," Debra said with feeling.
    It was inevitable that when she finished her shift Jean would go and stand at the end of Lenny's bed and try to think of something inspiring to say. Lenny had been moved to a normal room with the motorized bed that allowed him to be rotated without the assistance of four nurses. At present, thankfully, he was lying faceup and she was able to address him rather than his scarred back.
    Unfortunately, no words of wisdom came to her and he had yet to open his eyes despite her saying his name several times. She heard her mother's words in her mind and had to convince herself they weren't true.
    "I can leave if you want me to," Jean said finally.
    "But you're going to have to tell me to leave. Otherwise I'll just stand here feeling awful. But maybe that's what you want, Lenny, I don't know."
    He opened his eyes. "You should know by now what I want."
    Jean stepped closer, touching his bare arm. This room, like his previous one, was warmer than normal. Probably because they kept him scantily dressed to make it easier to care for him.
    "What do you want?" she asked reluctantly.
    "To die," he said flatly.
    There was anguish in her voice. "No."
    "Yes." Finally he looked at her face. "I can't live like this. You say you love me, Jean. If you do, then help me end this."
    She clasped his right hand. "You just have to hold on for a little while longer.
    Soon you'll be in a wheelchair and able to get out. I'll take you to the beach. I'll take you to the movies. You can't imagine how many great films have come out since you've been in here. I can show you—"
    "You can take me," he interrupted. "You can show me. That's true because I can't do any of those things without you. But how long will you be there? You say forever but we both know that's B.S. One day you'll get tired of pushing a cripple around and you'll meet some other guy and then you'll say, 'I'm sorry Lenny but you know it's a tough world.' Then you'll leave, and what'll I do? I'll tell you. I'll kill myself. But why should I have to wait for the day we both know is going to come? I don't want to go through the pain. I want to do it now. I want you to help me."
    Jean wept "I won't leave you, I swear to you."
    Lenny strained to move his head as close to hers as he could. "You can get what you want if you keep your eyes open and move fast. A bottle of sleeping pills, a dozen packaged shots of Demerol—either of these would be enough to kill me. Are you