Free How to Party With an Infant by Kaui Hart Hemmings

name? So I can fill out a seating thing.”
    The ferns were so bold and elegant. Ellie unbuckled herself and ran toward the lily pond.
    “Henry Hale,” I said.
    *  *  *
    Now I’m in a bit of a bind, but I like the bind—and the three-week deadline. It gives me something to solve. The task makes me nervous, but puts a spring in my step.
    I forgot to really answer the question though.
    Yes, my child’s father cooks, but for another woman, and I ended up getting them a cheese grater and a set of knives.

Beth. I will include a summary of everyone who appreciates what I said, excluding names. I saw you on LinkedIn and notice you change companies about every other year. I will file a complaint at your latest workplace if you continue to respond. My attorney friends are too busy to harass people like you did to me today.
—Renee Grune
Do people still really use LinkedIn?
—A.L., West Portal
My elimination specialist’s “potty party” totally backfired. Silas was yelling “No potty!” then went on to have a total sleep regression, waking up and asking to be rocked like a baby. Now when he has to go he just stands there naked and demands his diaper. When I don’t put one on he flaps his arms and bulges his eyes and won’t speak. I need to hire someone new.
—Overheard at Julius Kahn Playground

DINING WITH DELINQUENTS
    M ele drives to the daycare in the Inner Richmond to pick up Ellie. It’s always kind of like driving to an abusive husband. How will your child treat you? Will she make it to the car without making a scene?
    When Mele gets out of the car and goes into the small railroad apartment that smells of urinals and clay, Ellie runs to her right away! They say good-bye to Mary and the other children, and then her child gets into the car! No meltdowns, no stalling, no stipulations or negotiations. If only kids could figure out that when things go smoothly, your parents don’t dread being with you.
    Morning drop-off was easy, too, but it was because of the new departure method that would have to be updated. Ever since Ellie started to go to daycare twice a week, Mele has had to create little routines, but they always have to get updated, like Adobe or Windows. What worked then (sitting down with Little E at breakfast with the other kids and departing after she got her “milk kiss”) doesn’t work now. SoMele started to read her a story before she left and then she’d wave at the gate. It worked at times, but still there were days when Ellie clung to her and cried, then howled with her face pressed between the bars of the gate, making Mele feel like the biggest asshole as she left to grab coffee and check Facebook.
    But then one day, Ellie seemed to create her own routine, her own solution, which was to have a story, walk Mele to the gate, give her a hug, and then kiss her butt. Not just a peck, but a full-on, long kiss, like the kisses in old movies. Lots of head movement, no tongue, thank God. ’Cause that would be weird. This transition trick, the butt kiss, was created months ago, and it has stuck, and so every day Ellie walks to the gate with her face pushed into Mele’s ass.
    “Ha ha,” Mele says when it happens and looks around nervously. Ellie just looks like she’s hugging her from behind, so she can get away with it most days, but sometimes Ellie will yell with crazed glee, “I’m going to kiss you on the butt!”
    Mele has vowed to make it stop, but it works so well. When Ellie starts to cry, she whispers, “Come on, you can kiss my butt.”
    This morning a parent overheard her and Mele imagined the woman calling Social Services. What parent tells her child to kiss her ass? They need a new routine. There are so many reasons Ellie should be sent away to Child and Family Services, Mele really doesn’t need another.
    They drive down Fulton toward the Panhandle.
    “We need to think of something else to do in the morning,” Mele says to Ellie in the backseat. “Maybe kiss my cheek or