Free Razor Girl by Carl Hiaasen

Clee Roy also had wives who enjoyed being recognized in the supermarket, and they wanted their own story lines. Tension between the younger brothers and Buck began to worsen during the tapings, a situation which elated the director, a pragmatic Brit named Damien Poe. Soon he began placing fungo bats at strategic locations throughout the Nance compound in hopes that one of the siblings would snap while the cameras were rolling.
    Buck’s dalliance with sex-crazed Miracle exacerbated his brothers’ jealousy while making their lives more wretched at home. Among the Nance spouses only Krystal seemed unaware that Buck was fucking around; the other wives cracked down preemptively, grilling their husbands on a nightly basis while dropping the names of notorious divorce lawyers.
    Because of the family discord, the news of Buck’s disappearance in Key West was not received with the utmost consternation by Junior, Buddy or Clee Roy. Like Miracle, they assumed Buck had been seduced by a female fan and was probably holed up in some nasty doublewide, waiting for his hangover to abate. In the meantime, his absence presented an opportunity for the other Nances to carve larger roles for themselves on the television show.
    “What the hell. Let’s just tape the next episode without him,” Clee Roy suggested to Jon David Ampergrodt during a conference call.
    “Let me think on that.”
    “Tell the writers to stick all this shit into the script. That Buck went and disappeared? Talk about monster ratings!” It was either Junior or Buddy speaking; Amp couldn’t tell them apart over the phone.
    The idea itself wasn’t terrible. After a few weeks Buck could return after a staged rehab, blaming booze and pills for his coarse behavior at the Parched Pirate and apologizing tearfully to all the minorities he’d defamed.
    Amp said, “That’s an interesting concept, boys. I’ll run it by Damien.”
    Next on the agenda was Miracle’s insidious online stunt using the bin Laden photo. The brothers agreed that a full-time keeper should be hired to supervise the loony bitch until Buck resurfaced. Amp said he’d already sent out a blast tweet saying the
Brethren
website had been sabotaged by Chinese intelligence agents, who feared the growing global influence of the Nances now that Netflix was streaming the show.
    “By the way,” said Amp. “Can any of you guys get me Buck’s toothbrush? I’d ask Krystal except her head’s not in a great place right now. ”
    Clee Roy said, “Damien told us not to brush again till we go on hiatus.”
    “But flossing’s okay,” either Junior or Buddy cut in. “Right?”
    “A comb of Buck’s would work just as well,” Jon David Ampergrodt said. “Toenail clippings. Snotty handkerchief. Hey, a cigar butt would be spectacular.”
    “What the fuck, Amp?”
    “They’ve asked for a DNA sample.”
    “Who?” demanded Clee Roy.
    “The sheriff down in the Keys. Standard procedure, guys. They want some of Buck’s DNA just in case, God forbid.”
    For several moments no faux Cajun voices came from the phone speaker on Amp’s desk, and he wondered if he’d upset the three brothers.
    Then either Buddy or Junior piped up: “I got somethin’ of Buck’s, but they need to send somebody with a bag. I ain’t touchin’ the damn thing.”
    —
    Merry Mansfield and Zeto weren’t interested in Martin Trebeaux’s grandiose plan to barge beach sand from Cuba across the Gulf Stream to Florida. Merry scoffed when he offered them a piece of the action in exchange for his freedom. Zeto’s response was an elbow to the larynx, which caused Martin Trebeaux to black out choking. He awoke gagged and bound on the bare floor of a bare house, where he overheard someone’s future being discussed.
    It was his future, and the outlook was poor.
    The house was almost dark when Dominick “Big Noogie” Aeola arrived with a shorter man who stood at his side mouthing an ivory toothpick. Big Noogie paid Zeto with cash, and Zeto