Free One Can Make a Difference by Ingrid Newkirk

that she didn’t let experiences of rejection crush her; rather, she used them to deepen a growing compassion that she says connects her to anyone who is going through a hard time. She says that there is a certain intimacy people share upon experiencing a “dark night of the soul,” and for this reason, her self-help books and CDs have struck a nerve and become bestsellers. Kathy is the author of Expect a Miracle: 7 Spiritual Steps to Finding the Right Relationship , The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love and Quantum Wellness . I am so pleased that she is sharing her story and her “secrets” of transformation with you.
    I never had a strong sense of self; I didn’t know if I was funny or smart or interesting or quirky. I felt rather like an empty shell always trying to fill in some ever elusive missing piece. I was always trying on different personalities to see what might catch the interest of those I deemed superior. I tried being cool, but just came off as being silly. I tried being super studious, but didn’t have the attention span to keep up. And I tried being athletic, but was sadly too uncomfortable in my body to be coordinated in any sports. So you can imagine how I felt when someone approached me to be a model when I was sixteen years old sitting with a boy at TGI Fridays in Dunwoody, Georgia. I was stunned, and thinking the art director who gave me his card must have left his glasses at home, I nevertheless accepted an invitation to come in for “test” pictures.
    At the studio a few days later, stylists poofed out my hair, applied gobs of makeup, and pushed everything into the right place. Then they blasted the lights so that you couldn’t see my pimples or freckles or chipmunk cheeks. Honestly, anyone could look like a million bucks when put together like that. But the pictures came out great, and off I went into a modeling career. As lucky as I felt to be living in New York, Paris, and Milan, I also woke up every day in fear that this would be the day they would discover that they made a mistake and then boot me out of the business. I simply couldn’t see myself as one of those gals who confidently strode the catwalk or pouted into a camera lens with sultry knowingness. So when the agents began to scold me for being too fat to fit the clothes and the photographers chided me to “loosen up” and move more deftly, I felt a dark cloud of insecurity settle in around me.
    The more I tried to fit in and be what the industry wanted me to be, the more weight I put on and the stiffer I became in front of the camera. One night I was just about to go to sleep on the eve of a Harper’s Bazaar shoot when my heart started wildly palpitating and my skin began to crawl with intense fear.
    I felt like I was tunneling out of my body and speeding toward death. I could barely breathe as my mind raced with images of myself in a world where I didn’t belong. I ran down the hallway of the hotel and pounded on the other model’s door to tell her I was dying (I truly believed I was!) and needed to go to the hospital. Luckily, she was astute enough to realize I was having a panic attack and that it would pass. It did indeed pass, but for the next year or so I lingered in this dark place of feeling that I was on the verge of something terrible. It was during that time that I started reading.
    I read everything I could get my hands on that would educate me on leading a deeper and more fulfilling life. I was swept up into the insights of Herman Hesse and Rainer Maria Rilke; I lost myself in wonder through all the diaries of Anaïs Nin; I found guidance in the Tao Te Ching and the writings of the current Dalai Lama; I discovered A Course in Miracles , Paramahansa Yogananda, and Joseph Campbell. Because I desperately wanted to know that there was more to life than being “pretty enough” or “hip enough,” I turned myself over to these and many other