Free Dogfight by Calvin Trillin

secretary that he’s busy? I should phone and be put on hold until next
Tish B’ov
? I should phone and be told that, by law, a Super PAC cannot coordinate or communicate with a candidate’s campaign? Please. Spare me. Let an old woman die in peace.
    INTERVIEWER: Then you’re ill?
    SUPER PAC CEO: I was speaking metaphorically.
    INTERVIEWER: But you wouldn’t deny that America the Super has done a lot for Mr. Gold’s campaign. Are some of the funders of your Super PAC expecting some quid pro quo?
    SUPER PAC CEO: Done a lot! Was sitting up half the night with him when he had chicken pox a lot? Was schlepping him to band practice all those years a lot? Do I ask for thanks? No. A mother doesn’t ask for thanks. You do for people, you do for people, and where does it get you? I’ll tell you where it gets you: No communication. No coordination. By law, a Super PAC cannot coordinate or communicate with a candidate’s campaign.

26.
  
August Surprise
    Todd Akin’s rather singular theology
    Rejected what’s in middle-school biology
    And treated basic research with defiance.
    His House committee dealt, of course, with science.
    He ran for a Missouri Senate seat
    Whose holder looked quite easy to defeat.
    But then he said, with customary piety,
    That rape, of the “legitimate” variety,
    Will rarely make one pregnant, since the shock
    Will put the reproductive works on lock.
    (This proves at least he isn’t thinking maybe
    A kindly stork is what will bring a baby.)
    Republicans, appalled, said “Todd, skiddoo!”
    Though language in a bill that they’d pushed through
    The House was close to his. Plus their right flank
    Had in the party platform placed a plank
    Against abortion, and the way they framed
    The language, there were no exceptions named.
    Paul Ryan was a sponsor of that bill—
    Which meant that Akin’s ignorance would spill
    Into the presidential race for sure.
    Republicans were braced now to endure
    A charge they’d heard a million times before:
    On women they were surely waging war.
    ----
         The Female Reproductive System
        
(A lecture by Representative Todd Akin, a member of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology)
        Legitimate rape will just shut the thing down.
        So if she gets pregnant, it shows that her gown
        Was cut way too low or she had on a skirt
        So tight it revealed an intention to flirt.
        In some way she wanted to show off her shape.
        And thus it was not a legitimate rape.
        Legitimate rape will stop the thing cold.
        So if she gets pregnant she might not have told
        The fellow to stop, and not be so rough—
        Or maybe she told him, but not loud enough.
        Or utterly failed to make good her escape.
        And thus it was not a legitimate rape.
    ----

27.
  
Reaching the Starting Line
    As delegates prepared for their excursions
    To Tampa, Romney faced some more diversions.
    For one, a hurricane was on its way;
    That forced the cancellation of one day.
    The winds turned west, but speakers would perform
    In TV competition with a storm.
    ----
         The Show Must Go On
        Republicans wonder how they will fare
        With Anderson Cooper not even there.
    ----
    The fervent followers of Dr. Paul
    Then staged a small kerfuffle in the hall.
    In Tampa, Mitt’s men had to have a plan,
    Some said, to somehow humanize their man.
    But Mitt would share his innermost concerns
    Around the time he showed his tax returns.
    Reveal himself? No, Mitt would not be forced;
    The humanizing had to be outsourced.
    And so Ann Romney, Mitt’s appealing bride,
    Proclaimed there was a human being inside
    This mannequin. Of this she seemed assured.
    No details, though. We’d have to take her word.
    The delegates went wild when Ryan fed
    To them much meat that was the deepest red—
    Though tainted by his facts, so checkers said.
    They said he’d lied, or certainly misled.
    Clint Eastwood’s turn