Free White Man's Problems by Kevin Morris

remember, Pete? So we back up behind them tables, and I’m looking for anything, like a broken beer bottle, piece of glass, anything. And I’m thinking, ‘Oh God, this is it. I’m gonna die here today at the fucking Dairy Queen!’” He took a drag on his cigarette. “One of the niggers comes up to Mingey and says, ‘What did you say to my sister?’ and he pushes Mingey in the chest. Then he goes, ‘With all that mouth, you must like to get your ass kicked.’” Carmen looked around, savoring the moment. “But then he stops like he’s just going to scare Mingey and not do anything else. So, we’re standing there—and remember, we’re all fucked up, and to top it off, Mingey is crazy , right?” Carmen was laughing to himself now. “So, Mingey stares right at him and goes…‘Fuck you.’”
    The table erupted. Beer bottles and shot glasses were slammed down. The drunkest ones laughed loudest, but even the most sober grinned hard.
    â€œSo, now they’re mad. I don’t know whether to run or what…and then—I swear on my mother’s life—there’s this huge screech in the parking lot. Right out of a movie. And this navy-blue Grand Torino comes flying up. The door opens, and we all look over—even the niggers—and…it’s like time stopped. Here comes Mike. I don’t know how or where he came from—even to this day—but he just comes flying out of the car. He’s got an army jacket on and that wild long hair and beard. And he’s got a two-foot Stillson pipe wrench in his hand, and it’s, like, gold—he had a gold Stillson pipe wrench. Who knows where the hell he ever got that? Never seen one before or since. He points it at the big nigger in the front, and he goes, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, back up!’ And the nigger just freezes. I couldn’t believe it. He just stands there looking at Mike.”
    â€œMike let his hair grow when he got back from the service—remember that?” said Annemarie.
    â€œNow, of course,” Carmen said, “Mike could talk to niggers. He wasn’t afraid of them. And they were kinda scared of him , actually. Because he didn’t act scared around them.”
    â€œWell, he knew them,” said Peter. “He used to drink down in those bars in Chester. He’d stay down there all day and night. He lived with them, for Christ’s sake.”
    John took a cigarette from Donny. Carmen let the crowd settle down.
    â€œSo, the main nigger goes, ‘What you want, you Billy Jack mothafucka?’ And Mike breaks into this crazy smile and says, ‘Ok. You want to get it on? Huh? Where you live, anyway? Where you stay? Twenty-First Street? Chester Park? I probably know your brother. I know all you little punk niggers. You want to fight me? I’ve been to Vietnam, you black motherfucker. I’ll kick your ass.’ And they stand there for a while looking tough, and Mike just stares at them… stares at ’em . I was so fucking scared.” Carmen went for the full effect. “Finally, after like three minutes, Mike says to me and Mingey, ‘Get in the car.’”
    The group was in suspense, waiting. Carmen stood, in full command.
    â€œAnd then Mike says, ‘Mingey, gimme the five in my glove box. I want to get a Dilly Bar.’”
    Shrieks of laughter. But Carmen held his arms out.
    â€œWait, wait…” Carmen said. “Then Mike goes to me and Mingey. ‘What do you guys want?’”
    Somebody whooped. “ No !” said Annemarie, above the rest.
    Carmen was yelling to be heard. His face was so red it was turning purple. “And then Mike looks at the big black guy and goes, ‘How about you? You want something?’”
    Margie’s eyes sprouted tears. Donny fell halfway out of his chair. John, who had been trying to resist, felt the laughter