Free Such Is My Beloved by Morley Callaghan Page A

turned down by everybody in this burg that wears pants.”
    Father Dowling had a man’s passion, and as he sat there looking furtively at the dark girl, and at Midge and Ronnie, he suddenly saw them just as young women, making him full of longing as they used to do when he was a boy. He wanted to take their soft bodies and hold them while his arms trembled. He wanted to put his head down on white warm softness. The blood seemed to be swelling into his loins. Their laughter, their bawdily relaxed bodies which he saw now magnified by his longing into loveliness, brought a tension into his own limbs which he could not break. But then his forehead began to perspire, his whole body relaxed and he trembled and felt ashamed. “I ought not to be ashamed of being tempted,” he thought. “I am not a eunuch. The Church will not accept a eunuch for a priest. I’m a normal man and I wouldn’t be normal if I wasn’t tempted. But I’ll never be tempted like this again.”
    There were other nights when he dreamed and woke up feeling wretched, almost willing to decide not to go to the hotel again. But he always realized that to stay away for such a reason would be an act of weakness and lack of faith. Therefore, he remained patient and friendly with all these girls tillthey all got used to him. They began to ask his advice on many matters. They had more problems than he had ever heard in the confessional. They used to like the way he reasoned with them considerately.
    Lou would never believe Ronnie when she insisted that the priest was not getting something from the girls. He used to jeer and tell stories about tunnels that ran underground from monasteries to convents, and he hoped to come into the room some time and embarrass Father Dowling, whom he had never really met.
    One night Lou came in when the priest was there, but he walked past him, with his derby hat far over on one side of his head, as if he had not seen him and stood idly at the window, whistling through his teeth and sometimes snapping his fingers. Father Dowling, who had not taken off his coat because he had come in a great hurry, sat in the chair regarding Lou shrewdly. Lou turned, stared at the priest’s spotless, shining white collar and smiled sarcastically. Father Dowling smiled, too, so that the skin around his eyes was all wrinkled up, and Lou did not know what to say.
    â€œThis is Lou. You’ve heard me speak of Lou, my fellow,” Ronnie said. Looking at Lou, she pleaded with her eyes as she scraped her foot in a small circle on the carpet. Father Dowling got up and put out his hand with so much heartiness that Lou was surprised into shaking hands limply. The mildness in the priest’s eyes and yet the strength in his big hands disturbed Lou. Lou respected strength. Father Dowling said, “I’ve heard all about you, Lou. You’ve got a splendid girl in Ronnie. Be good to her, eh? A man would never want a better girl.”
    â€œOh, I treat her pretty good as it is,” Lou said. “Of course, I don’t give her jewels and take her horseback riding, but I always give her what I call a good break.”
    â€œI’m glad to hear it. You’re a good fellow, we’ll be friends, I know.”
    â€œAll right with me,” Lou said. Then he added awkwardly, making a sharp swoop with his left hand, “But I don’t want you interfering between me and the girl, see.”
    â€œOf course not. I’m glad to hear you speak like that. Lots of fine manly fibre, eh? We’ll see more of each other.”
    As the priest turned to pick up his hat, Lou wanted to insult him. But Father Dowling had so much assurance, such an imperturbable smile that Lou felt it necessary to be careful. At last he blurted out the words he had been wanting to say. “How long have you been here with Ronnie?”
    â€œAbout twenty minutes. Why?” Father Dowling asked.
    Lou tried desperately to say,