Free Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never by C.M. Stunich

moment. I feel so jumbled and confused and messed up right now. I don't understand Ty any better than I understand myself. I thought he was making me better, but right now, I feel worse than ever. I put the base of my hand to my forehead, and slip my phone out of the inside pocket on my coat. Despite the fact that I'm wearing a sexy dress beneath it, I leave it on, like a layer of protection against the outside world.
    No missed calls.
    Fuck and damn it.
    I put the phone away and lift up my head, putting a plastic smile on my face.
    “Now where were we?” I ask the blonde guy with the nice chest and the pretty face. The guy who's so drunk that he's willing to do things he wouldn't normally do. The guy that I'll feel guilty about tomorrow. This isn't the type of man that I usually go for, not at all, but I feel like I need a break from those other kind, like I've got burn scars on my heart and body that haven't healed yet. I move across the room and swing my legs over the guy's knees. I unbutton his pants and try to ignore him when he talks.
    “Are you going to blow me?” he asks. “I've never had a blow job before? Once, my girlfriend gave me a hand job though!” I pause with my hands on the waistband of his underwear. They're white briefs, not something I'm used to. The guys I fuck usually wear boxers.
    “You have a girlfriend?” I ask and feel queasy inside. The blonde guy nods and tries to kiss me, but I turn my face away, unsure if I want to go through with this. I feel kind of … sick. With myself, with Ty, with this person, whoever he is.
    “Yeah, we've dating for two years, ever since we started going here. We met in a calc class!” he says as I lean back and wrinkle my nose. What are you doing, Never? You haven't slept with anyone since that night you blew off your date with Rick. Are you seriously going to throw a whole month away like this? What do you think you're going to get out of this?
    “Look, uh,” I pull my hands away from Exclamation Point Guy and fold them across my chest. “You, um, I can't do this.” I shake my head and bite my lower lip hard enough that it bleeds. At least the pain wakes me up, tells me how stupid this really is. If I have a problem with Ty, I should call him. That's what a normal person would do. It's the only thing that makes any fucking sense.
    As if summoned by my thoughts, my phone chirps at me, and I nearly fall off of the blonde dude's lap in my attempt to get it out of my pocket. There's a text. Just one. From Ty. My breath ceases to flow, and my heart doesn't pump.
    hey Nevr sry i acted like a dick can u forgv me? i had a thng w sum grl. she trshed my place and i was pissed. no xcuses but i wanted u to know. call me.
    I stare at the text for a moment.
    “Come on,” moans Exclamation Point Guy as he reaches down and frees himself from his pants. I give him a tight-lipped smile, put the phone away and pull out a piece of gum. I stuff it in my mouth, scoot forward, and fuck him.
    All the while I know that I'm making a stupid, fucking mistake.

12
    I leave Exclamation Point Guy passed out on a bed and walk out of that party with a smirk on my face, twirling the keys around my fingers like some kind of female Casanova. When I get outside and find Lacey making out with some girl that really should be wearing a bra but isn't, I retreat to her car and sit in the front seat with tears pouring down my face.
    I sob and shake and scream. I grab the steering wheel with an iron grip and contract the muscles and tendons in my hand so hard that I feel like they're going to burst out of my skin and kill me. I wish, I think as I pull my phone out and dial Ty's number. I put it to my ear and sit in the dark silence of the car, trembling. I don't know what I'm going to say to him. What did he to do me anyway? Nothing. Nothing at all, and yet I'm so mad, I could spit. Ty didn't make you fuck that guy, and he didn't break you. That wasn't him.
    “I'm not broken,” I say aloud, but