Free William Walkers First Year of Marriage by Matt Rudd Page B

line, wunnit.’
    ‘No, it was in a residential bay.’
    ‘Sorry, mate, sez ere it was on a yella. Three inches on a yella to be precise.’
    ‘But why did you tow it? You could have left it with a ticket.’
    ‘Can’t say no more than that, mate. If you have a problem wivit, you can appeal, but you’ll have to pay double the charge.’
    ‘What’s the charge?’
    Tap, tap, tap.
    ‘Forty quid…’
    Tap, tap, tap.
    ‘…plus two-eighty for the tow.’
    ‘Where is my car?’
    Tap, tap, tap.
    ‘Clifton Street, EC-one.’
    ‘But that’s miles away. That’s in the city. Why’d you tow it all the way over there?’
    ‘Wouldn’t worry about it now, mate, it’s closed till tomora.’
    ‘But I’m going to a wedding tomorrow.’
    ‘Shouldavethordabatthatwhenyaparkedonayellashouldnya?’
Saturday 16 July
    I arrive at eight on the dot to collect the stolen car. I still have to wait for forty minutes in a waiting room full of people who all look as furious as me. Then, I pay a man behind a sensibly bulletproofed glass partition surrounded by signs saying, ‘We will not tolerate abuse of our staff.’ He only accepts cash which means I get to see the huge amount of money I’m losing in the flesh. As I leave the building, I swear that from now on I will never be nice to traffic wardens ever again.
    Went to look at the house in Isabel’s parents’ village on route to Francesca’s wedding. We have all of five minutes because of the towing.
    Pros: it is the same price as our tiny box but is a house, yes, a house, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms and, saints alive, a garden. We will be able to sit outside in real sunshine surrounded by real plants and real grass, breathing real air. It is also not in Finsbury Park: the biggest threat to personal safety will be a twisted ankle on the cobbled pavements. And you can park wherever you damn well like.
    Cons: it is an hour’s train from work but three minutes from the in-laws.
    Probably best to wait till someone shows some interest in our flat before we decide to make an offer.
The wedding
    This is the wedding of people we didn’t invite to ours so I don’t know why we have to go to theirs. Isabel’s university friend Francesca, whom I’ve only met twice, is marrying Archie, a banker I’ve never met at all but who is friends with Alex so he must be an arse. Even if he isn’t, I hate going to weddings where I don’t know anyone. Worse still, both have recently rediscovered Jesus. Properly. They’re not even just putting it on so they can get married in a church.
The service
    Most weddings I’ve been to, mine included, are presided over by vicars harbouring resentment at the transient congregation. There is no such resentment from Reverend Adams. He knows Francesca and Archie: indeed, he was instrumental in their return to theflock. So he glows with pride and waxes lyrical: his vocation isn’t pointless, there is a God. Two hours later, we escape. 1/10.
The meal
    In an enormous marquee in the grounds of a castle. Clearly Christians don’t have to renounce all worldly wealth. Food posh but horrible: overcooked lobster for starters; grey beans, grey beef, grey carrots, cold, all cold, for mains. Then profiteroles. I hate profiteroles.
    Because we’re C-list friends, we get the table with the vicar, his wife and four more of the vicar’s flock. The wife is a pneumatic blonde who, as she explained even before we’d picked through the lobster, had been a porn star before meeting Roger. ‘I was in a dark, dark place back then, but Roger and the Lord Jesus Christ found me and saved me, praise them both. Have you found the Lord, William?’ There’s nothing more unappetising at dinner than an ex-porn star trying to convert you. 4/10.
The speeches
    A confessional approach taken by Archie, who regretted his time as a banker, regretted his wild ways at university, regretted turning away from God as a teenager, regretted pretty much anything and everything. Clearly