Free Snow White by Donald Barthelme

wanted some too. But they were not allowed to have any. All they
     were allowed to do was hold Paul’s robes, when he walked around. “Take me home,” Snow
     White said. “Take me home instantly. If there is anything worse than being home, it
     is being out.”
    “YOU shouldn’t drop your garbage out of windows Hogo,” Jane said. I understood what
     she was saying. But Hogo is a cruel parody of ultimate concern. His garbage falls
     on Northerners and Southerners and Westerners alike. “I had a dream,” Jane said. “In
     the dream we were drinking a yellow wine. Then the winemaker came in. He said the
     wine was made of old copies of the National Geographic . I had thought it tasted musty. Then he said no, that was just a joke. The wine was
     really made of grapes, like every wine. But these were grapes to which the sun had
     not been kind, he said. They had shriveled for lack of the sun’s love. That was why
     the wine was like that. Then he talked about lovers and husbands. He said the lover
     eats his meat with his eyes not on the meat but on the eyes of the beloved. The husband
     watches the meat. The husband knows that the meat will fly away if not watched. The
     winemaker thought this was really a funny story. He laughed and laughed.” Hogo got
     ready to say something despicable. But it was too late. “That’s pretty careless,”
     Hubert said, and we all agreed that if you were going to have a girl tied to a bed,
     then at least the knots should be secure. I had already gotten the flashlight from
     its place under the sink, and was working on the brilliant yellow and scarlet and
     blue bandages. We had hoped to slip into the hospital without being challenged, but
     the doctor recognized us right away.
    HENRY had unlocked the locks on the bar and we were all drinking. It was time for
     a situation report, we felt. “She still sits there in the window, dangling down her
     long black hair black as ebony. The crowds have thinned somewhat. Our letters have
     been returned unopened. The shower-curtain initiative has not produced notable results.
     She is, I would say, aware of it, but has not reacted either positively or negatively.
     We have asked an expert in to assess it as to timbre, pitch, mood and key. He should
     be here tomorrow. To make sure we have got the right sort of shower curtain. We have returned the red towels to Bloomingdale’s.” At this point
     everybody looked at Dan, who vomited. “Bill’s yellow crêpe-paper pajamas have been
     taken away from him and burned. He ruined that night for all of us, you know that.”
     At this point everybody looked at Bill, who was absent. He was tending the vats. “Bill’s
     new brown monkscloth pajamas, made for him by Paul, should be here next month. The
     grade of pork ears we are using in the Baby Ding Sam Dew is not capable of meeting
     U.S. Govt. standards, or indeed, any standards. Our man in Hong Kong assures us however
     that the next shipment will be superior. Sales nationwide are brisk, brisk, brisk.
     Texas Instruments is down four points. Control Data is up four points. The pound is
     weakening. The cow is calving. The cactus wants watering.The new building is abuilding with leases covering 45 percent of the rentable space
     already in hand. The weather tomorrow, fair and warmer.”
    “HELLO? Is this Hogo de Bergerac?” “Yes this is Hogo de Bergerac.” “Well this is the
     Internal Revenue Service, Baltimore Office, Broat. We have your letter here in which
     you offer to inform on Bill, Kevin, Edward, Hubert, Henry, Clem and Dan for 17 percent
     of the monies collected. We deeply appreciate your getting in touch with us but I
     must tell you that we pay only eight percent.” “ Eight percent! ” “Yes I’m sorry I know that’s low as these things go around the world and in previous
     years we have paid more, but it’s standard now and if we paid you 17 percent all the
     other informers would demand the same. You can