Free Scurvy Goonda by Chris McCoy Page B

darted for the meadow, running as fast as he could, but the strange man simply advanced more quickly, easily closing the gap between them and whipping around to confront Ted face to face.
    “Well, well, well. I don’t think you should be here at all,” the man said, his voice deep and smooth as honey.
    In the split second before Ted felt a hard blow on the side of his head and the world went black, he caught a second glimpse at the smile. White. Sharp. Fanged.
    But then again, vampires always have good teeth.

Part Two
    P ersephone Skeleton stood in front of a full-length silver mirror combing her hair—or, more precisely, her wig. Over the past three hundred years, she felt she had evolved quite nicely into her fleshless, skinless, featherless appearance. She knew which looks worked for her and which didn’t, and she was secretly pleased that her weight had remained consistent. She was, after all, just bones—no skin, no feathers, just bones.
    More specifically, she was just cockatoo bones, for Persephone Skeleton was a big, skeletal bird.
    “Fabulous!” said Persephone. “Lovely, lovely me. Gorgeous!” It had taken Persephone a long time to reach her position of power, but here she was at last, looking down upon Ab-Com City from the uppermost room in its tallest building. Each time she crossed her window, she heard the crowd below roaring. From her exalted perch, she could see posters depicting her smiling, government-approved bird-skull image plastered onevery building, hanging in every window. Never in the history of Middlemost had a politician won the presidency in such a ridiculous landslide. Pretty soon everything would be ready for her to start making good on some of her promises, and then things were going to get really
exciting
.
    She pressed a button on her desk, and a moment later her assistant, Swamster, entered the room wearing a red bathing suit and several gold medals. Swamster was a unique abstract companion—half Olympic swimming champion, half hamster.
    “Yes, beloved President Skeleton,” said Swamster, his whiskers quivering.
    “Come faster next time, Swamster,” said Persephone. “The fact that you’ve been with me for years doesn’t mean your job is guaranteed.”
    “Absolutely, most adored President Skeleton.”
    “Now, tell me the status of our very special guest,” said Persephone.
    “He … attempted to eat one of the guards.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Well, just that the guard we sent to retrieve him found him sitting in the middle of a field eating a ton of bacon. The guard approached him, but you see, the guard was a
pig
, and he ended up slaying the guard and then running off with his belly.”
    “His belly?”
    “That’s right. His belly. The other guards only found him when he made a campfire to roast up the guard’s belly.”
    “But I trust that the other guards did manage to subdue him?” asked Persephone.
    “Oh, they did, they did. Well, eventually they did, and I’vebeen told they tied him to a camel using thick ropes. They should be on their way as we speak.”
    “Camels are terribly slow.”
    “Yes, but they are the best thing for our fragile ecosystem.”
    Persephone leaned toward her assistant, all her bones clacking together as she moved.
    “Wait,” said Persephone. “What?”
    “Nothing, President Skeleton.”
    “You
talked back
to me.”
    “That was more of an … explanation.”
    “And now you’re doing it again.”
    “So sorry, President Skeleton.”
    Persephone paused and Swamster trembled.
    “Get out and don’t come back until he’s arrived,” said Persephone.
    “Yes, Madam President.”
    “And shave some of your fur and make me a hat out of it.”
    Swamster liked his fur, but thought it best not to argue.
    “Yes, President Skeleton. Be delighted to. Capital idea. Right away.”
    Persephone rubbed her eyeholes in frustration and patted the spot where her beak used to be, wondering if it would improve her looks to have