Free Scurvy Goonda by Chris McCoy

than it had been in the supermarket. It was as if he had fallen into the world’slargest metal-plated well, a fissure so deep that no excavation equipment would ever be able to find him, and his cries for help would never be heard.
    But the more Ted looked at the walls around him, the more he started to notice things about the metal vent. It wasn’t entirely unbroken—there were small tunnels shooting every which way. The tunnels didn’t look quite tall enough to stand up in.
    Could I somehow grab on to one of these openings?
thought Ted.
No. I’d still be stuck miles beneath the ground with nowhere to go
.
    The white light was surging so fast that Ted felt almost relieved to be falling through this giant hole in the world. The wind against his face helped offset some of the hotness seething from the walls surrounding him.
    Wait, what’s that?
thought Ted. Below him, backlit by the white light, a shadow was shooting up toward him.
    Ted flapped his arms to get its attention and yelled, “HEY!” as loud as he could, but his words just floated into the air above.
    And then the shadow wasn’t just a shadow anymore. Ted began to make out hairy arms and legs, but even though the hairy thing was close, it didn’t see him until the last possible second. The hairy thing raised its arms and shouted, “WATCH OUT!” but it was too late: both Ted and the hairy thing were moving too fast to change course.
    SMACK!
    Ted collided with a white-faced saki monkey who was wearing a crisp blue pilot’s uniform.
    “I
SAID
, ‘WATCH OUT!’” said the saki monkey.
    The saki monkey was disappointed to see that the crash had ripped the sleeve of his uniform, but the monkey felt better when it saw Ted spiraling toward the middle of the Earth.
    “IF I SEE YOU IN MIDDLEMOST,” yelled the monkey, “YOU’RE PAYING TO HAVE THIS RETAILORED!”
    But the unconscious Ted didn’t respond.

XIX
    The ThereYouGo Gate, located in the Earth’s core, is a principal topic in abstract companion legend. All abstract companions know that the gate is in the center of the world, and they all know that it zips them to Middlemost. These are the two central ideas of the popular campfire song “That Ol’ There-YouGo Gate to Middlemost”:
    Oh, ThereYouGo Gate, take me away!
Back to that star where it’s pleasant all day!
My best friend has ditched me and I feel like a ghost!
Oh, welcome me back to my home, Middlemost!
    In the last few weeks, countless ab-coms had this song in their heads as they streamed through the ThereYouGo Gate, even though many were returning simply for health reasons. Indeed, when the Greenies plague first hit, all the world’s ab-coms who hadn’t yet reported to Middlemost received an official dispatch from President Persephone Skeleton:
    Attention
All
ABSTRACT COMPANIONS!
    Got green bumps?
    Well, we warned you,
    didn’t we?
    We told you that the humans were planning
to exterminate ALL AB-COMS! But did you
listen? No! And now you’re
SICK! And BUMPY!
    Come back to your beloved Middlemost
NOW!
We have discovered the antidote! We will
take care of you! If not properly treated, you
will DISAPPEAR PERMANENTLY
into a pool of green sludge!
Do you want that? To be sludgy?
    This is the FINAL NOTICE of the call to
arms! Your last day to report to Middlemost
is September 22-which is my birthday,
incidentally. Gifts are strongly
recommended! Come home and be cured!
Come home and join the fight!
TO ARMS!
    Your terribly sophisticated leader,
PRESIDENT PERSEPHONE SKELETON
    Hundreds of thousands of copies of these letters overflowed the very large trash cans outside the ThereYouGoGate. But Ted didn’t see any of them. He was still unconscious.
    Odd things flashed through his zonked mind as he plummeted through the ThereYouGo Gate and disappeared in a bright flash of static electricity:
    How giraffes sleep less than an hour per night.
    How it was impractical that humans only grew two sets of teeth in a lifetime, considering how easy it was