Free Dear Darling by Elle McKenzie

up at the stars, imagining being a spaceman away from all the crap, away from my family. Aaron left as soon as he could, he and Jodie found a small flat together. I don’t blame him. I wish he’d taken me with him.” He looked at his hands, knotting his fingers together. “I knew he couldn’t, he barely had the money for himself, never mind me too.” Blowing out a deep sigh, he continued. “It got worse when he left. He had no one else to take his anger out on but me after that. I could’ve handled the beatings and the constant put downs but not what happened next.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, my chest hurt, and my breathing almost stopped. I wished I could take away his pain, I wished I could stop what he was saying, change the past, make him forget, but I couldn’t.
    “When I was eleven, my parents had a party for my dad’s birthday. They invited all their friends, and my dad invited people from the local pub who he’d regularly drink with. My father had banned me from leaving my room, and I was happy to sit on my bed and stare out of the window at the sky all night. I could hear the music pounding through the walls, but I didn’t hear him come into my room.” His voice quivered, and I held my breath, not wanting him to say what I knew he was going to say.
    “He held me down. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.” I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I didn’t want to believe it because it was too unbearable. Tears dripped down my face in waves as my body shook uncontrollably. I felt sick, but not because I felt disgusted at my husband, it was blinding anger that any father could do that to their own son. “I didn’t tell anyone at first. I hid the blood-stained sheets and scrubbed myself clean in the shower. I felt dirty and disgusting. I felt ashamed.”
    “Baby, you know that it wasn’t your fault, don’t you?” My voice shook as I said the words.
    “I know now, but I didn’t back then. I thought it was because I’d been bad. I thought I was being punished. Aaron was the one who found the sheets, he questioned me for hours until I finally gave in and told him what happened. He took me out of there that day, and we never went back.”
    “What about your mum?”
    “She never believed it. She said that I was lying. I haven’t seen her or Shelley since I was eleven, and I never want to see them ever again.” I couldn’t believe what he’d been through. It explained why he had never spoken of his father before now, though. He left his past in the past, and he went on to be someone caring, loving, smart, and loyal. He was more of a man than his father could ever be.
    “I promise to be the father he never was. I will never lay a finger on my child.” He didn’t sound broken or angry when he said the words. They were spoken with a reverence that was a promise to the stars he loved so much and the unborn child in my belly.
    “I love you, Elias Vale. I’ll always love you. You’re going to be a wonderful father. We’ve started a new life and a new family, and you can forget about the past. We are all you’ll ever need.” His mouth found mine as he kissed me deeply.
    “You will always be all I’ll ever need and want.”
     

     
    “Breathe baby, breathe,” Eli soothed, patting my head with a damp cloth.
    “You try breathing while squeezing a melon out of your meatus,” I screamed, batting his hand away from me. I’d been in labour for seven hours, and I was thoroughly exhausted.
    “I know it hurts, baby, but you need to try to breathe through it like they—”
    “Listen here, when you give birth you can bloody well breathe, until then, SHUT UP!” I squeezed his hand tightly as the next contraction ripped through my body. I was ready to push, but I was terrified. Exhaustion was setting in, my entire body was clammy with sweat, and my breathing had become ragged. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it. Plus, I’d read stories about