Free The Boy Who Fell to Earth by Kathy Lette

isn’t mugged, stabbed, sexually propositioned or sold large quantities of Class A drugs on a daily basis – he does have potential and prospects. He’s bright and original.’ A wave of weariness washed over me. It was time to send the Beauforts on a little excursion – a one-way ticket on a guilt trip.
    ‘Look, I know you and Derek don’t like to admit that there’s anything wrong with Merlin, because everyone knows that autism and Asperger’s are genetic. But have you searched back through the family tree? There must be a few other defective branches? Maybe it would be worth employing a genealogist? … That’s someone who traces your family back as far as your money will go,’ I said, lamely, in an attempt to lighten the awkward atmosphere. ‘But I do think it’s time to find out why Merlin’s like this … Have there been other idiot savants like him in the Beaufort clan? I mean, take Derek. Highly intelligent, yes, but socially awkward and insular …’
    Medusa-like, Veronica’s livid gaze nearly turned me to stone. ‘There’s absolutely no history of any mental weaknesses on
our
side of the family,’ she said categorically, implying that it was my side of the egg-quation which had brought about this chromosomatic catastrophe. ‘What history of mental illness is there in
yours
?’
    ‘Well, my father was a sexually incontinent B-grade actor who took up tantric yoga late in life and died astride a Polish prostitute and part-time druid priestess and my mother then frittered away his life insurance globetrotting with toy boys … but otherwise, no, all relatively sane in the relatives department.’
    ‘Are you certain?’ Her voice was furiously measured. ‘Actually, this is the very reason I agreed to come here today. I had a rather distressing call from some kind of …
social worker
.’ She used invisible tongs to hold the words to the light.
    ‘The educational psychologist? Yes. I gave her your number to set up an appointment for some family therapy.’
    ‘They were doing some sort of psychological background report. A complete invasion of privacy. As an MP, Derek is in the public eye. This kind of intrusion is potentially very embarrassing.’ She put down her cup with such determination that it wobbled precariously in the saucer.
    Ah, yes, I thought to myself. The great parliamentarian Derek Beaufort would not want any shame brought on the family brand. If a tractor could mate with a Doberman, the result of that union would be my former father-in-law.
    ‘There is only one solution to the Merlin problem,’ Veronica continued through lips as thin as a paper cut. ‘He should be sent away somewhere. I could write you a cheque for £100,000 right now, today – if you let me take Merlin with me and have him looked after properly. In a private care home.’ She placed her crocodile-skin handbag on her lap, where it writhed like something alive. She opened its jaws and extracted her chequebook. ‘And you could start a new life. Jeremy started again. Why shouldn’t you?’ Her smile was as sharp and sweet as icing.
    I looked at her, agape. ‘You’re serious?’ My heart gave a wrench of protective love and my throat restricted. ‘But I’m all Merlin has to keep him from crashing through life like a falling stone.’
    ‘I could make it £200,000.’ Her voice rang out harshly in the still room as she snapped open her chequebook. ‘There’s an institution near us, in the country. So we could visit him …’
    How kind, I thought. The woman obviously took skimmed milk with her human kindness.
    ‘Microwaves warping his brain, talking to dogs, evil scissors, punching you to get a cake, violent episodes …’ The superfluity of Veronica’s flesh quivered like custard ‘… It’s clear the boy needs professional help.’
    If my eyes could shoot out lethal beams like Disney super-heroes, she would have been annihilated there and then. My anger boiled over like milk. ‘You’re trying