Free The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass by Bill Maher Page B
Authors: Bill Maher
MONTEZUMA
New Rule: A cruise ship to Mexico is newsworthy only if everyone doesn’t get diarrhea. “In the morning, in the evening, ain’t we got the runs . . .” You want the Mexican cruise experience? Let me save you six grand. Put on Univision and eat at Wendy’s.
EBONY AND IRONY
New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. To anyone who thinks like this, I say: Please don’t reject John McCain just because he’s white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.
Take a look at the CEOs of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Lehman Brothers. I know—the first thing that jumps out at you about their faces is that they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods, and the schools they went to—Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step in fixing that is better role models, so kids growing up white today don’t think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime, or a government handout, or sailing.
So I get it, the temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don’t see an individual; you see just another typical “welfare whitey.”
And it’s true, he’s spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except for those years he spent in prison. Typical! And between you and me, he’s not very articulate. Oh, he may have some “street smarts,” but he’s not what you’d call an educated man. He freely admits that he’s ignorant about the economy, and apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another. And now, of course, her teenage daughter is pregnant out of wedlock, because she learns it at home! But that doesn’t mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are.
There is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November, when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.
—September 26, 2008
THE HURL OF SANDWICH
New Rule: Bacon, eggs, and cheese between two waffles isn’t a breakfast; it’s a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin’ Donuts’ new “waffle sandwich.” You can wait in line for yours or, if you’re in a hurry, just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot yourself in the head.
HURLIN’ OLSEN
New Rule: If you lose your looks at fifteen, you’re doing something wrong. I’ve seen less frightening twins in The Shining. Steven Tyler saw this and said, “Wait. There are two of me, and I’m on the cover of Newsweek ? Who did my makeup? I look like shit.”
HYPE CASTING
New Rule: Now that all news on CNN and Fox News, no matter how old, is being billed as “breaking news” or “happening now,” news that actually is breaking and/or happening now must get its own graphic that says, “No, seriously, guys, we’re not fucking around this time, this is actually happening now.”
I SHOT THE SERIF
New Rule: The Gap doesn’t need a new logo. It needs to stop being the place with the expensive cheap clothes that asks the question, “How can something without any style still go out of style?” Remember, none of us are in the Gap because of the logo. Or because of the clerk who says, “Those jeans look cute on you.” We’re all in here for one reason and one reason only: because some old person, who doesn’t know any better, got us a gift card.
ICE RACK
New Rule: Men don’t care how expensive your bra is; they just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back. The Victoria’s
New Rule: A cruise ship to Mexico is newsworthy only if everyone doesn’t get diarrhea. “In the morning, in the evening, ain’t we got the runs . . .” You want the Mexican cruise experience? Let me save you six grand. Put on Univision and eat at Wendy’s.
EBONY AND IRONY
New Rule: A candidate for president should not be judged by the color of his skin. To anyone who thinks like this, I say: Please don’t reject John McCain just because he’s white. I think the recent news from Wall Street has made us all less tolerant and only reinforced the stereotype that white people are shiftless, thieving welfare queens.
Take a look at the CEOs of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Lehman Brothers. I know—the first thing that jumps out at you about their faces is that they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods, and the schools they went to—Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step in fixing that is better role models, so kids growing up white today don’t think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime, or a government handout, or sailing.
So I get it, the temptation is to look at McCain and vote against him because you don’t see an individual; you see just another typical “welfare whitey.”
And it’s true, he’s spent his entire life shuffling from one low-paying government job to another. Well, except for those years he spent in prison. Typical! And between you and me, he’s not very articulate. Oh, he may have some “street smarts,” but he’s not what you’d call an educated man. He freely admits that he’s ignorant about the economy, and apparently the only thing his white running mate knows how to do is crank out one baby after another. And now, of course, her teenage daughter is pregnant out of wedlock, because she learns it at home! But that doesn’t mean we should assume all white people are like that just because so many of them are.
There is hope. I believe even the stupidest, greediest, laziest whites can break the cycle of dependence, like this November, when we finally move George Bush out of public housing.
—September 26, 2008
THE HURL OF SANDWICH
New Rule: Bacon, eggs, and cheese between two waffles isn’t a breakfast; it’s a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin’ Donuts’ new “waffle sandwich.” You can wait in line for yours or, if you’re in a hurry, just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot yourself in the head.
HURLIN’ OLSEN
New Rule: If you lose your looks at fifteen, you’re doing something wrong. I’ve seen less frightening twins in The Shining. Steven Tyler saw this and said, “Wait. There are two of me, and I’m on the cover of Newsweek ? Who did my makeup? I look like shit.”
HYPE CASTING
New Rule: Now that all news on CNN and Fox News, no matter how old, is being billed as “breaking news” or “happening now,” news that actually is breaking and/or happening now must get its own graphic that says, “No, seriously, guys, we’re not fucking around this time, this is actually happening now.”
I SHOT THE SERIF
New Rule: The Gap doesn’t need a new logo. It needs to stop being the place with the expensive cheap clothes that asks the question, “How can something without any style still go out of style?” Remember, none of us are in the Gap because of the logo. Or because of the clerk who says, “Those jeans look cute on you.” We’re all in here for one reason and one reason only: because some old person, who doesn’t know any better, got us a gift card.
ICE RACK
New Rule: Men don’t care how expensive your bra is; they just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back. The Victoria’s
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