Free The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass by Bill Maher Page A

they’re always talking about is in their pants. There are so many Republicans in the closet, their symbol shouldn’t be an elephant, it should be a moth.

HARDLY MERKIN
     
    New Rule: Bring back a little pubic hair. Not a lot, I’m not talking about reviving that 1973 look that said “I’m liberated” and “I’m smuggling a hedgehog.” I just want a friendly, fuzzy calling card that’s a middle ground between toddler smooth and “Dr. Livingston, I presume?” It’s supposed to have some hair on it. It’s a pussy, not Dr. Evil’s cat. Call me old school, but there’s a name for a guy who needs it hair-free: He’s called a pedophile.

HATE-BY-TEN
     

     
    New Rule: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed must get a new head shot. I don’t care how long your résumé is, with this photo you’ll be lucky to get a gig blowing up a dinner theater. Look at you. You’re like the Arab Nick Nolte. You look like Ron Jeremy with a hangover. You think you were tortured before—wait until we start waxing off all that chest hair. And by the way, Sheikh, there’s nothing chic about that outfit. That shirt doesn’t say, “Death to America,” it says, “ Flashdance : What a Feeling!” I can’t believe we have the same agent.

HELL SINKY
     
    New Rule: Restaurant restroom sinks must not be so trendy that I can’t figure out how to turn them on. Do I wave my hand in front of an electronic eye? Is it voice-activated? Does it scan my retina? I know these sinks are supposed to be the state of the art in hygiene, but the guy next to me is peeing in his.

HEMLINE NEWS
     
    New Rule: If one of your news organization’s headlines is about who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night, you’re no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on Dancing with the Stars last night, you’re no longer a star.

HESS WE CAN
     
    New Rule: Stop talking about “the gas prices under Obama.” As if he’s the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they’re at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn’t affect air quality should poke their heads in the men’s room.

HIGH FINANCE
     
    New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that ninety percent of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You’re lucky it doesn’t have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren’t for the coke, a dollar wouldn’t have any value at all.

HILLBILLY HEROINE
     

     
    New Rule: If you’re a baby momma trying to hide your baby daddy’s baby behind your momma’s baby . . . you just might be a redneck. At least when Obama got a convention bump, it wasn’t leaking amniotic fluid.

HITTING BOTTOM
     

     
    New Rule: You can’t make a gay man one hundred percent straight in less than a month. Especially if that month contains Fashion Week. A month to change your sexuality? I’ve spent longer than that on hold trying to quit AOL. Guys like Ted Haggard can’t just claim to be “cured” of homosexuality; they should be forced to blow into some sort of “Dicka-lyzer.”

HOARDER PATROL
     
    New Rule: Someone has to make a reality show about hoarders who hoard midgets. I’m too busy to watch all the shows about hoarders and all the shows about midgets. So put them together. I’m also too busy for shows about sexual predators and shows about cake. So put those together, too. Make a show about sexual predators who hoard midgets after they lure them into their homes with cake.

HOLY SEE-THROUGH
     

     
    New Rule: The Pope must wear a slip. I’m sorry, but some people just shouldn’t do “casual Friday.” And I don’t understand, usually the Catholic Church is so good about covering things up.

HOT TOTTY
     
    New Rule: Women have to stop using baby pictures in their Facebook profiles. Especially if it’s your daughter as a baby. You’ve taken something nice—your old high school boyfriend looking you up on Facebook to masturbate—and turned it into something creepy.

HULLS OF