Free Things I Want to Say by Cyndi Myers

I met this man. Travis. The minute his eyes met mine and he smiled at me, it just took my breath away.”
    She pressed her palm flat to her chest and her cheeks turned pink, as if even the memory of that evening made her heart beat faster. “It was electric. That’s such a romance-novel cliché, but it really was like sparks arcing between us.”
    “You fell in love?”
    She frowned. “That’s what I called it. I couldn’t seem to stop myself.” She held out her hands, palms up. “I don’t know if it was hormones or boredom or having married so young or some flaw in my character, but I saw him every chance I could. Soon I couldn’t bear to be away from him for even a few hours. I was reckless.”
    “And Bobby found out?” I asked.
    She nodded. “I think I knew in the back of my head I’d get caught, but I didn’t care. I think I wanted Bobby to find out. To force me to make a decision.”
    “What happened?” I asked.
    “He gave me an ultimatum. He told me I had to choose. I suppose he was sure I’d pick him, but I’d convinced myself I needed Travis more than I needed anything else in my life. So I left.”
    “You left?” The words sounded so stark. So final.
    She nodded. “I told him I’d sign whatever agreement he wanted and I left. Travis lost his job a few weeks after that. I’m sure Bobby had a hand in that. We moved to Chicago and two years later he left me for a woman he worked with.”
    She bowed her head, tears making dark splotches on the bedspread.
    I reached out and touched her arm. “How awful for you.”
    She shook her head. “I remember thinking at the time that I’d gotten exactly what I deserved. As bitter as I felt at his betrayal, it was probably nothing compared to what Bobby must have gone through.”
    “Did you try to go back to Bobby? To ask forgiveness?”
    “I couldn’t.” The word was a whisper. She took a deep, shaky breath and offered me a too-bright smile. “Anyway, you see what I mean about karma. I figured I’d paid my debt when Travis left. That things were even. Later, when I found out I had cancer, I wondered if I was being punished further.”
    “Alice, I don’t believe God punishes people like that.”
    “No? But what if all that guilt I’d carried around all these years transformed into that tumor? Sort of a physical manifestation of the emotions that had been eating at me for years anyway.”
    “I don’t believe that,” I said again. “If that were true, there would be even more sick people than there already are.”
    “Maybe you’re right. But it’s worth thinking about.” She looked at me, calmer now. Almost serene even, the lines around her eyes and mouth smoothed out, some of the paingone from her eyes. “It’s one reason I want to go back to California—to clear my conscience. No sense taking a chance on a recurrence of the tumor.”
    “I’m glad you’re going back if you think it will help you feel better.” I patted her arm again. “And I’m glad I’m coming with you.”
    “If nothing else, I figure this will be a fresh start,” she said. “It’s what I need.”
    I could use a fresh start, too, I thought as I watched her untangle herself from the blankets and walk to the bathroom. Sure, I’d told myself I was flying back to Virginia to impress my old friends and reconnect with the man of my dreams, but would anyone who was truly satisfied with her life place much importance on either of those things?
    The truth was, I was a thirty-eight-year-old single woman who had lived all her life within shouting distance of her older sister. I had a job that sounded exciting but really wasn’t, no truly close friends and a new body I didn’t know what to do with.
    I wanted a different life from the one I had, even though I didn’t yet know how to define those dreams. But I had to start somewhere, and this seemed as good a place as any. I liked Alice’s idea of asking forgiveness and healing old wounds, even if the thought of