Free The Blind Barber by John Dickson Carr

struck him as he peered over his shoulder.
    “By the Lord! had he pinched the emerald elephant?” demanded Warren. “Look here; we did better than we knew. Getting this back—ha! Why old Sturton’ll—What’s the matter with you all? What are you thinking about?” His eyes suddenly widened. They all stared at one another under the wild screaming of the night. “Look!” muttered Warren, swallowing hard. “That is, you don’t think— hurrum ?”
    Captain Valvick groped his way down to where a stout mass in a waterproof, dead to the world, was wedged into an angle of the glass enclosure. Bending down, and sheltered by the enclosure, they saw the spurt of a match.
    “Oh, Yesus!” said the captain, in an awed voice. He got up. He pushed back his cap and scratched his head. When he came back to them his leathery face had a queer, wrinkled, wryly amused expression, and his voice was matter-of-fact.
    “Ay t’ank,” he observed, scratching his head again—“ay t’ank we haf made a mistake. Ay t’ank we are in one most hawful yam. Ay t’ank de man you haff busted in de yaw is Captain Whistler.”

6
The Missing Body
    M ORGAN REELED, IN A more than merely literal sense. Then he recovered himself, after a long silence in which everybody stared at everybody else. He hooked his arms in the rail and took a meditative survey of the deck. He cleared his throat.
    “Well, well!” he said.
    Captain Valvick suddenly chuckled, and then let out thunderous guffaws. He doubled up his shoulders, shook, writhed in unholy fashion, and there were tears in those honest old eyes as he leaned against the rail. Warren joined him; Warren could not help it. They chortled, they yowled, they slapped one another on the back and roared. Morgan eyed them in some disapproval.
    “Not for the world,” he observed, in a thoughtful yell, “would I care to be a spirit of Stygian gloom upon the innocent mirth and jollity of this occasion. Go on and gather rosebuds, you fatheads. But certain facts remain for our consideration. I am not thoroughly familiar with maritime law. Beyond the obvious fact that we have compounded and executed a felony. I am therefore not fully aware of the exact extent of our offense. But I have my suspicions, gentlemen. It would strike me that any sea-going passenger who willfully up and busts the captain in the eye, or is found guilty of conniving at the same, will probably spend the rest of his life in clink … Peggy, my dear, hand me that bottle. I need a drink.”
    The girl’s lips were twitching with unholy mirth, but she put the steel box under her arm and obediently handed over the whisky. Morgan sampled it. He sampled it again. He had sampled it a third time before Warren got his face straight.
    “It’s aaal-ri-whooooosh!” roared Warren, doubling up again. “It’s all riii-whi-choosh! I mean, wha-keeeee! It’s all right, old man. You people go on back to the cabin and sit down and make yourselves comfortable. I’ll throw some water over the old walrus and confess to him. Huh-huh-huh!” His shoulders heaved; he swallowed and straightened up. “I pasted him. So I’ll have to tell him … ”
    “Don’t be a howling ass,” said Morgan. “You’ll tell him what?”
    “Why, that—” said the other, and stopped.
    “Exactly,” said Morgan. “I defy anybody’s ingenuity to invent a reasonable lie as to why you came roaring out of your cabin, slid down sixty yards of deck, and bounced the captain of the Queen Victoria all over his own deck. And, when that walrus comes to, my boy, he’s going to be WILD. If you tell him the truth, then the fat’s in the fire and you’ve got to explain about Uncle Warpus—not that he’d probably believe you, anyway … ”
    “Um,” said Warren, uneasily. “But, say what do you suppose did happen, anyway? Hell! I thought I was hitting the fellow who tried to break into my cabin … ”
    Morgan handed him the bottle. “It was his captainly solicitude, my lad.