Free Country Lovers by Rebecca Shaw

sitting on my shoulder that night, and that good-looking-I-own-the-world sod walked in and I couldn’t resist. It gets to sound more like a Whitehall farce every day. You didn’t know he knew, I didn’t know Miriam knew, but you knew she knew because she told you, but you didn’t tell me she knew. He didn’t know you loved him; he told me never ever to tell Miriam you loved him. Now I’ve found out she’s always known, so I needn’t have bothered to keep my lip buttoned.” Duncan spooned the sauce over the chicken, tasted it, and added another spoonful of wine. “Ten minutes more and Joy’s Revenge will be ready.”
    Unexpectedly the thought exploded in her head that the whole situation really had become a farce, as Duncan had said. Joy felt ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. She had become a laughing stock, particularly if everyone at the practice had guessed how she felt about Mungo. She only had to think his name and the feelings she had for him surfaced, but had they become like beloved old shoes that fit beautifully, comfortingly, but now it was time to trash them? Well, she’d brace herself to eat Joy’s Revenge and then see how she felt on a full stomach. Good food always helped to gear up her thought processes, and that night was no exception.
    But the happy atmosphere usually engendered by fine wine and good food didn’t happen. Duncan rapidly became morose and abrupt. No amount of telling him the news of the day from the practice could cheer him.
    â€œI’m sorry. Duncan?”
    He raised his face from looking at his dinner plate, and she saw the pain there. The skein of his hair, which always fell across his forehead despite his efforts, was brushed impatiently back from his face and he said, “One day, you know, all hope will be gone for us.”
    â€œHope?”
    â€œAll hope that one day it will be me you love.”
    â€œBut I do.”
    â€œNo, Joy, you don’t. You cling helplessly to your feelings for Mungo, uselessly really, as well you know. Why can’t you see that?”
    â€œI can. But I can’t help it. And I do love you.”
    â€œNot like I want it. Rather more like you’d love a devoted spaniel. Not with fire.” Duncan clenched his fist and held it up and shook it to demonstrate the strength of his feelings. “Not with deep desire. Not with overwhelming desire for
me.
” He thumped his clenched fist against his chest. “Your love isn’t even a comforting, all-embracing, cuddling kind of love. That might be tolerable. What we have isn’t even that.”
    Joy remained silent, well aware of the truth of what he said. If only she could love him as he wanted. But she couldn’t. “I do try.”
    Duncan’s face registered such disappointment at the word “try” that Joy felt as though she’d been whipped. “Joy! I was fool enough to believe when we married that your love for me would grow, and all it would need was patience on my part. But I’ve worked to fan the flames. Recently I’ve come to realize there isn’t even one small jet of flame to fan. And still the years roll on. I believe you when you say you try, but you shouldn’t have to
try
! Now…now, I’m reaching a point where I don’t care a damn whether you do or not.”
    â€œYou’ve given up on me? Is that it?”
    Duncan nodded. “You could say that. I’ve waited and I’ve just run out of time and patience.”
    â€œBut what shall I do? What can I do?”
    â€œAbandon Mungo. Love me instead.”
    â€œBut look at the times you’ve ignored me for weeks on end. When it’s been like living with the walking dead? Work! Work! Work! That’s all it’s been for weeks on end. What about those times? Eh?”
    â€œIt’s never been as bad as that.”
    â€œBut it has. It has from where I’m standing.”
    â€œI