Free No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday by Tracy Bloom

hour later Ben woke with a start to the sound of Millie bawling. He was confused for a moment. His recording of
Match of the Day
must have finished, as all that remained was a blank blue screen. He sat up quickly, launching Millie onto his shoulder, and rubbed his eyes. So what should he be doingnow? He leaned forward to pick up the remote control to banish the blue then grabbed his phone to check on the time.
    ‘Shit,’ he gasped, dropping the phone back on the coffee table. He’d had a text from Charlene reminding him that she would save a piece of floor next to her at the Music, Mummy and Me session, which was due to begin in twenty minutes. Katy had said to him that he didn’t have to go, but he wanted to show her that he was all-in with looking after Millie. Truth be told, he was looking forward to it. His first morning and he was going to a baby class with his daughter. It had
successful stay-at-home dad
written all over it. In any case, Charlene had been texting him daily to make sure he was going. He suspected she was overexcited about being the only one who knew the novelty parent in the class, so there was no way on earth she was letting him get out of it.
    R U ON UR WAY☺
came the next text as Ben leapt up, trying to work out where to put Millie whilst he got dressed. He rushed through to the bedroom and laid her on the bed, and she wailed. He spotted the bouncy chair in the corner and put her in there. She wailed. He sang her a football chant, which normally did the trick. She wailed. He began an exaggerated dance, flinging legs and arms in all manner of awkward directions. She watched, mesmerised, as Ben continued his body contortions whilst trying to put on his underpants. He fell over twice.
    Clothes successfully on, he brushed his teeth, forcing him out of Millie’s sight for a few moments. She wailed. He momentarily admired his bright ginger beard. What a bonus of being a stay-at-home dad . . . no shaving. It was like a dream come true not to have to spend precious minutes of every day scraping his cheeks with an electric torture instrument. Going back to sweep Millie out of her chair, he glanced at his watch. He had ten minutes to get to the Community Centre. Piece of cake.
    Five minutes later and he was still battling to get the pushchair to stay up one-handed whilst he bounced a wailing Millie on his shoulder. What on earth was wrong with her? She was never normally this upset when she was with him. He was determined to get the stupid contraption up using one hand. He’d seen Katy do it, so it couldn’t be that hard, surely. He’d left the bouncychair in the bedroom and he couldn’t put Millie on the floor, as it was a very hard Moroccan tile.
One more go
, he told himself.
    ‘Fuck!’ he screamed, as his violent shake of the contraption caused the pushchair to trap his hand. He stalked back to the bedroom to get the bouncy chair.
    ‘Is this where I should be for Music, Mummy and Me?’ Ben gasped as he barged through the double doors of the Community Centre.
    All eyes turned to stare at the dishevelled-looking young man with a bright ginger beard marching towards the group of women sitting on the floor, clutching babies on their laps.
    ‘Ben!’ shrieked Charlene. ‘Sit with me, sit with me right here,’ she said, shuffling up to make room. ‘This is Ben,’ she said to the other mums, who were all agog. ‘We were in antenatal classes together. His girlfriend, you know, Katy, earns tons more money than him, so she’s gone back to work. He’s a
stay-at-home dad
.’ She completed her last sentence by raising her pencilled-on eyebrows to the top of her forehead, as if she’d just announced he was a male stripper.
    ‘Thanks, Charlene,’ said Ben, dumping himself down next to her with Millie.
    ‘Hi, Ben,’ said Abby, suddenly appearing from behind Charlene, fluttering her mascara-caked eyelashes whilst holding a phone up in front of her. ‘Good to see you again.’
    ‘Er,’ Ben