Free How to Take the Ex Out of Ex-Boyfriend by Janette Rallison

close to me to emphasize her next point. “And he’s nice to his mother. You can always tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother.” Which of course was the perfect introduction to the “In the old country” speech.
    The doorbell rang. “That’s probably Dave,” I told her, and I headed to the living room.
    She followed after me, still talking. That’s the thing about Grandma. She really misses having company around, and so when someone comes to visit, she gives them all her pent-up conversation whether they’re listening or not. “Your mother, God rest her soul, would never have suggested a nursing home. Your mother, she was a saint. Not like this new wife. I told your father to find a nice Catholic girl, and the first time, he listened to me. But the second time— ai —you see what comes from not listening to your mother.”
    I answered the door. A guy tall enough to make Raine happy stood on the doorstep. He was cute, not as cute as Jesse, but I suppose that would have been asking too much. One can only expect a guy to have so many good qualities, and I’d already chosen outgoing, fun, passionate, and understanding.
    He grinned at me. “Howdy, I’m Dave.”
    â€œI’m Giovanna.”
    Grandma peered around my shoulder. “Are you Catholic?”
    He smiled back at her. “Not during Lent. Then I’m Episcopalian.”
    â€œEpiscopalian?” Both hands went up. “No good will come from it. Mark my words.”
    Grandma said more, but it was in Italian, so we couldn’t make out the further pronouncements about our doomed relationship.
    I’m not sure which embarrassed me more, that she didn’t get his joke or that in the first twenty seconds of our meeting she’d managed to insult not only my date, but an entire religion as well.
    So anyway, that was the good part of the date. From there it went downhill.
    First of all, Dave drove ten miles under the speed limit at all times. In the beginning I thought he was just a cautious driver, but so many cars passed us, cutting around us and then back into the lane, that I grabbed my armrest, waiting for someone to sideswipe us.
    While he was telling me about his graduation plans, I was bracing for impact. After a couple of cars honked at us, he shook his head and said, “Some folks are in such a hurry.”
    â€œYou like to take your time to get places?” I asked, wondering if this was a part of being outgoing, fun, or understanding.
    â€œHave you seen the price of gas lately? You can save yourself five or ten dollars a week by driving slower.”
    Or maybe he was cheap.
    In the end “cheap” proved to be Dave’s overriding quality—just barely beating out “boring.” We went to the dollar theater to see a movie, which I didn’t mind since hey, I go there with my friends all the time, but he also sneaked prepackaged popcorn and soda cans underneath his jacket.
    During the whole movie I was afraid someone from management would come and haul us both out of the theater for eating contraband snacks. Then after the movie as we got into his car he asked, “Do you want to get some ice cream?”
    â€œSure,” I said. But this meant that he drove to a Circle K, ran inside, and came back with two Fudgsicles. We ate them while sitting in his car in the parking lot.
    It’s not that I wanted him to spend a lot of money on me. I always feel guilty when guys do that. But come on, don’t I at least rate a Dairy Queen drive-through?
    I kept thinking that if Dave and I went to prom, he’d probably get the flower for my corsage off of someone’s front lawn and want it back at the end of the night.
    So yeah, Dave was strike one.
    The next night a guy named Ronald took me out to dinner. I gave Grandma strict instructions not to mention religion, marriage, or how my date compared to the guy down the