Free Choose Me by Xenia Ruiz

couldn’t tell if he was thinking about what I had said or just ignoring me.
    “In the meantime, you got to stop giving your mama a hard time,” I told him, getting to the matter at hand. “You know she
     loves you and she only wants what’s best for you. It’s not easy raising two boys by herself.”
    “I know, but she’s always in my business.”
    “That’s what mamas do. If you go away to college, at least she’ll be out of your business for most of the year.”
    “She’s just mad ’cause she caught me alone in the house with Diane.”
    “And what were you doing in the house with Diane?”
    “Nothing. Just kissing. And stuff.” I looked at him doubtfully and he smirked. “I swear. We were just kissing. I’m not a virgin
     but she is. I like her. A lot.”
    “Don’t do anything to mess up your future.”
    “I’m not. I know how to take care of business.”
    “You do know no birth control is one hundred percent effective?”
    He made a dismissive sucking-of-the-teeth noise. “Man, please don’t tell me abstinence is the only effective birth control.
     I already hear that at church. Do
you
practice abstinence?”
    “We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you.”
    “Ahhh!” he whooped. “Double standard.”
    Again, he got quiet and stared out the window. I debated whether to tell him that I hadn’t been with a woman in over a year,
     without giving him the extenuating circumstances. But I remembered what I was like when I was his age and I knew he probably
     thought I was too old to care about sex.
    “Hey Adam?”
    “Yeah, man?”
    “Do you believe in God?”
    “Of course,” I said without hesitation.
    “’Cause I don’t think I do.”
    “Why is that?”
    “I don’t know. I just think about all the things going on in this city, you know. People killing each other, drug dealing.
     If there was a God, why doesn’t He stop it?”
    “Well, He gave man free will. Everybody has the power to decide between right and wrong. God doesn’t interfere with that.”
    “My mama said He does. She said when you think about doing good, that’s God; when you get bad thoughts, it’s the devil. You
     think that’s true?”
    “Yeah, I believe that. To some extent.” I started to head back toward his house.
    “Hey, Adam?”
    “Yeah, man?”
    “Can we go to Burger King?”
    “Your mom cooked dinner,” I reminded him, amused at how suddenly he switched subjects.
    “Man, I can
not
eat her meat loaf.”
    “You shouldn’t talk about your mom’s cooking like that,” I said, trying not to laugh.
    He laughed. “You know you want to laugh. I’m serious, Dawg. I love her and everything but her meat loaf is
too
dry. It gets all stuck in your throat and stuff.”
    I couldn’t remember when I decided I didn’t want children. Growing up, there always seemed to be an exorbitant number of kids
     on my block, many without fathers at home. It always seemed to me that there were just too many children in the world as a
     whole. Maybe it was meeting my father’s children nineteen years ago at his funeral when I was seventeen. Or perhaps when the
     doctor diagnosed my cancer and I learned I was sterile and couldn’t have kids, rather than I didn’t want them. But Justin
     and Ricky, and the boys I came in contact with at work, not to mention my niece and nephew whom I adored, were all like my
     children. I enjoyed going to their parties and school plays and graduations just like I was their father. They were enough
     for me.
    When I got home, the loft was quiet and I was grateful Luciano wasn’t there yet. Lately he had been beating me home and I’d
     find him sitting in my favorite chair, simultaneously listening to my Afro-Cuban jazz records and watching ESPN. Without his
     constant interruptions, I would at least be able to get some writing done. I changed out of my suit and into Bermuda shorts,
     then briefly shuffled through my CD collection before settling on a mix of