Free We're with Nobody by Alan Huffman

and firmness of man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.” It didn’t exactly get people talking about the substantive issues, and the claim itself was apparently undocumented, judging from a web search of “John Adams” + “nude hermaphrodite,” which produces a few hits that, while terrifying, fail to support Jefferson’s accusation. Adams didn’t take kindly to the introduction of his sex organs into the presidential debate, and saw no need to present proof of his countercharge that Jefferson was “the son of a half-breed Indian squaw, sired by a Virginia mulatto father.” The name-calling continued: fool, hypocrite, criminal, weakling, atheist, and so on.
    To make sure voters weren’t confused about who was which, Jefferson secretly hired a cunning, sleazy Scotsman named James Callender, who had earlier exposed a sexual liaison between Alexander Hamilton and a married woman. Jefferson liked what he’d seen of Callender’s work, and on his behalf Callender convinced voters that among other things Adams had an overwhelming desire to go to war with France. Prior to Callender’s efforts, the electorate had shown limited interest in the subject of attacking France, but afterward became rabid about it. So it goes with sensational, unfounded attacks.
    Somewhere along the way the Adams administration imprisoned Callender for sedition, and on his release he approached Jefferson about a job but was rebuffed. In response, he publicly disclosed their clandestine relationship, adding that, oh, by the way, the president had fathered children with one of his slaves. Two lessons can be drawn from this: Friends turned enemies can serve as excellent sources, and it’s never a good idea to alienate the oppo guy.
    Considering the lengths to which Adams and Jefferson went to portray each other in a bad light, it’s curious that Abraham Lincoln got off as easy as he did during his own presidential bid. Obviously, the mores of the time influence whether potentially damaging information about a political opponent is useful in a campaign, but it seems odd that something that has preoccupied Lincoln biographers in recent years—questions about his sexual orientation—caused so little public debate during his political career. Perhaps it’s because men commonly slept in the same bed back then, or because people of the era were loathe to openly discuss homosexuality.
    According to some historians, Lincoln slept with at least eleven boys and men during his youth and adulthood. Lincoln never denied the practice, and even raised the subject on occasion, but you can bet we’d hear a great deal of conjecture and supposed “facts” if such a detail came to light during a political race today.
    Reporter: Mr. Lincoln, I understand you enjoy sleeping in the same bed with other men—a lot . Don’t you think it’s natural that the voters would wonder about your relationships with these men and . . . occasionally, boys?
    Lincoln: I slept with them. That is all. With the men it was mostly a matter of convenience, nothing more. Perhaps we discussed politics before drifting off to sleep, or in the early morning hours. I don’t recall much of what we discussed in bed when I was a boy. Perhaps Indians.
    Reporter: Can you tell me about this Joshua Speed fellow? You two lived together over in Springfield for four years and slept in the same large double bed, according to people we’ve talked with.
    Lincoln: According to which people you’ve talked with?
    Reporter: I can’t say.
    Lincoln: Was it that Mrs. Pritchard? The landlady with the hairy ears?
    Reporter: Let’s stick to Mr. Speed. Is he a Republican, too?
    Lincoln: He wasn’t then. But he is now.
    Though Lincoln was never publicly challenged about his bedfellows during his political career, there were whispers about his relationship with a Captain David Derickson, his