Free The Last Exit to Normal by Michael Harmon

smirked his displeasure. “I just helped you. My good deed is done
for the day, and I’ll get a fever if I continue.”
    “No, I mean with something else.”
    “Oh God, what did you do now?” He paused, studying me. “That thing about
sheep and lonely men in Montana was a joke. You know that, right?”
    “I need to fit in.”
    He raised his eyebrows for a moment, then narrowed his eyes. “This has to do with breasts,
doesn’t it?”
    I smiled. “Nice ones, too.”
    He shrugged, then sighed. “And who is the intended victim?”
    “A girl down the street. Kimberly Johan. We’re going out tonight.”
    He turned the hose off. “And what, pray tell, are you going to do on this date?”
    “Bale hay.”
    “Baling hay on your first date?”
    “Yeah.”
    He glanced at my hands. “Well, I would ask you how you intend to bale hay with blisters all over
your hands, but that might be considered gay, so I won’t.”
    I smiled. “Okay, payback. My hands are fine.”
    He laughed. “I don’t know about you, but baling hay has always been on the top of my
best-first-date list. Very romantic.”
    I shrugged. “I’ll take what I can get.”
    “Sounds like the desperation of a young man in love.”
    “Whatever.” I stuck my hands in my pockets. “She has a dad.”
    He nodded, looking down at his feet dramatically. “I know this might sound odd, but some
heterosexual families actually do have fathers. It’s sort of old-fashioned, but every once in a while
you’ll come across one.” He tapped his chin. “In fact, I think you have a father, too. He could
talk to you about the birds and the bees and other such things.”
    Edward always tried to get me to talk to my dad. Edward was a big fan of
“communication.” I shook my head. “He wears socks with sandals, Edward, and I know about
the birds and the bees. That’s why I’m going on a date. I need real help.”
    “This is true. How may I be of assistance?”
    “I need new clothes.”
    He smiled. “Am I hearing Benjamin Campbell say that he actually wants to blend into
something?” He leaned close, peering into my eyes. “Are you turning into a conformist?”
    I sighed. “What about her dad? Miss Mae said he wouldn’t like me, and I’m sure
there’s all kinds of secret rules and regulations about dating farm girls.”
    “Ahhh. You must be talking about the proper way to do things when dealing with old-fashioned
farm folk, which, I might add, is exactly what Mr. and Mrs. Johan are. If I remember correctly, he’s a very harsh
man, and one not to cross.” He thought for a moment. “Yes sir, no sir, thank you, please, nice to meet
you, Mr. Johan, firm handshake, look him in the eye, and for God’s sake don’t eye her boobs, even
accidentally, unless you’re at least a mile from the house. Men have shotguns for a reason around
here.”
    I nodded, soaking it all in. Fear gripped me, but love would climb any mountain. “One more
thing.”
    “What?”
    “What is baling hay, anyway?”
    He laughed. “And you thought you worked hard yesterday. Poor child.”
    “Crap.”
    “Shall we go shopping now?”
    “Cowboy me up.”
    He laughed. “You know I’m the last person you should ask to dress you, Benjamin. My
taste in clothing fits in around here like the San Francisco Symphony.”

    We drove into town, stopping in front of the Saddleman, the local clothes place. I looked at Edward in
his linen shorts and polo shirt. “There’s got to be some redneck left under that sophisticated
GQ
metrosexual veneer. Besides, you know everything about being a fashionista, right? We can do country with
class.”
    He eyed me. “Are you secretly trying to pay me a compliment?”
    I laughed. “No, but I want to look right when I’m drinking tea in their
parlor.”
    He rolled his eyes. “One has to know how to drink from a cup to do that,
Benjamin.”
    “Whatever.”
    He unbuckled his seat belt. “Come on. We’ve got some outfitting to