Free Sex Practice by Ray Gordon

Oh, what a terrible day! I have a horrible
feeling, everything's fucked up today!"
    "You're in a
good mood this morning, Larry!" she giggled. "You won the lottery
or something?"
    "I don't know
whether to sing or cry!" he sighed, leaning on the counter. "Do you
ever question your sanity?"
    "Er... no, I
don't!"
    "I do, Brigit
- every day I question your sanity. Where's Lily?"
    "In the
toilet."
    "The best
place to be when there's trouble brewing. Retreat to the
toilets!"
    "She has a
thing about toilets."
    "Yes, the poor
child. It's a mysterious affliction that I have no explanation for,
I'm afraid - other than complete and utter lunacy of lunatically
frightening proportions. I'll bet Monica's..."
    "Doctor
Lickman?" an official-looking man carrying a briefcase asked as he
entered the building and wandered over to the counter.
    "Where?" Larry
smiled.
    "Where
what?"
    "Where's
Doctor Lickman? I thought you were talking to him?"
    "Aren't you
Doctor Lickman?" the man asked confusedly.
    "Er... no. Do
I look like him?"
    "I wouldn't
know, I've never met him."
    "I find that
most peculiar!"
    "Why?"
    "Well, coming
here asking to see a man you've never met. Is it your wont to go
round speaking to people you've never met?"
    "My wont? I...
can you tell me where I might find Doctor Lickman?"
    "Where you
might find him, or where you will find him?"
    "What? Just
tell me where he is!"
    "Who are
you?"
    "My name's
Fullcrack, I'm from the health authority."
    "Shit!"
    "I'm
sorry?"
    "Er... ship.
Doctor Lickman is aboard ship."
    "Oh?"
    "Yes, he...
he's on a day trip to France. Vive la France!"
    "You're not
patriotic, then?"
    "Vive la
Angleterre!"
    "Er... yes,
quite."
    "May I ask
what business you have with Doctor Lickman, Mr Fullcrack?"
    "We've
received a complaint of a most serious and disturbing nature
concerning Doctor Lickman's ethics."
    Oh, fuck . "Really? Has he not behaved
himself on the ship? Good grief, you're not suggesting that he's a
lager lout, are you?"
    "On the ship?
No, no, I'm talking about his practice, the way he treats his
clients."
    "Ah, oui,
oui!"
    "Are you
French?"
    "Certainly
not! I'll have you know that my father was Lickuanian. I'm Doctor
Lickman's assistant, his right-hand man, and his left-hand man -
his handyman, so to speak. My name's... my name's Throbber, Knobby
Throbber."
    "Mr Throbber,
yes. Er... I wish to take a look at Doctor Lickman's records, his
clients' files. Does he keep computer records?"
    "Well, yes he
does, but... the weather's much better today, don't you agree?"
    "Er... yes, I
do. Where's the computer, Mr Throbber?"
    "A fine day
for sailing across the good old English channel to stock up on
cheap booze and fags and flog them on the black market."
    "Indeed. The
computer, Mr Throbber."
    "Oh, yes, the
computer. Hold the fort while I fill in Mr Fullcrack, Brigit. This
way, Mr Fullcrack," Larry smiled, walking down the hall to his
consulting room. "I can show you where the computer is, but it
won't do you much good as I don't know how to use it - sadly, I'm
illegitimate."
    "The marital
status of your parents when you were conceived is of no concern to
me, Mr Throbber! I suggest you take the matter up with the
registrar of births, marriages and deaths."
    "No, I meant -
computer illegitimate... I mean, illiterate."
    "I can control
computers competently, Mr Throbber."
    "Shit!"
    "I beg your
pardon?"
    "That's a
mouthful!"
    "What is?"
Fullcrack asked irritably.
    "Control
computers competently. A tongue twister. Try saying it faster."
    "Control
computer comp... competent computer controls... please, Mr
Throbber! I don't have the time to play games!"
    "You should
make time! Work hard and play hard, that what my father says,"
Larry grinned, entering his consulting room.
    Watching the
man open the files on the computer, Larry winced. He should have
realized that all the evidence required to nail him was on the
computer. Dates, names, addresses, unorthodox treatments - and his
vulgar comments concerning his client's bodies