Free The Football Fan's Manifesto by Michael Tunison

public’s expectations of your performance are set very low thanks to the work of your colleagues.
    Con: High-shitshow-quotient profession. The steady stream of banalities that one is forced to utter may be germane to the job, but will turn your brain to mush and your heart to a blackened, viscous stew. Worst of all, you may be forced to converse with Joe Buck.
    COACH
    Pro: Exerting a strong influence over what happens on the field. Your meltdowns in front of the media will be recycled into unfunny Coors Light commercials, possibly earning you royalties.
    Con: Having to get your start at some D-III school in bumfuck nowhere. Living under constant scrutiny. Getting approximately thirty-three seconds each year to relax. Basically being unhappy and ulcerous all the time.
    REFEREE
    Pro: Can alter the outcome of an NFL game in dramatic, controversial ways. Ample chances to make a killing by accepting bribes.
    Con: Can be forced to have your mind on matters other than the game. An NFL official is only a part-time job because the league is retarded and wants to ensure none of the referees devote that much time to their profession and are therefore incompetent.
    GROUNDS CREW
    Pro: End-zone paint is a little-known hallucinogen.
    Con: Blame will be heaped on you when clumsy receiver trips over his own feet. Doing your job at Heinz Field is equivalent to being the one man assigned to guard the U.S.-Mexico border.
    PRINT JOURNALIST
    Pro: Laziness is not only encouraged but rewarded. Interviewing famous athletes is an integral part of your daily routine. So too is gorging at the press room buffet.
    Con: You’ll be despised, scorned, and likely threatened by those same athletes. Any news you break will never be credited by ESPN. So it’s pretty much a miserable existence that will be thankfully truncated when you’re laid off in the next round of newsroom staff cuts.
    BALL BOY
    Pro: It’s the next step up from water boy. Allowed to stand on the sidelines and look important, which is about as much as Scott Linehan ever did.
    Con: Not so much a career. The job also tends to go to kids. At some point, every ball boy gets slapped by a player. Even Nick Lowery, a kicker, got in on the action once.
    ACCOUNTANT
    Pro: Bean-counting is so much sexier when the beans are football-shaped.
    Con: Issuing audits to companies that improperly use NFL insignias makes you more of a tool than most accountants.
    SECURITY GUARD
    Pro: Ability to bust skulls with impunity. Only requires a degree in being burly.
    Con: You could get stuck on Pacman Jones bodyguard detail.
    SPORTS SURGEON
    Pro: Manages to be lucrative without all the cumbersome moral baggage that the agent job comes with. Get to stick a knife into Tom Brady’s knee free of consequence.
    Con: Requires a decade or so of schooling. And always living in the shadow of Dr. James Andrews.
    TEAM DOCTOR
    Pro: Able to brag to friends that you were the one to give steroids to Shawne Merriman and painkillers to Brett Favre.
    Con: Testifying before Congress during steroid witch hunts can be burdensome. Especially if you make the mistake of meeting Charles Schumer’s malocchio.
    SPORTS PSYCHOLOGIST
    Pro: No one really knows what it is you do or whether it’s even helpful, but they respect it.
    Con: You don’t even know what you do.
    GUY WHO DRIVES THE INJURY CART
    Pro: Affords close proximity to NFL players, if only when they’re horribly mangled. Plus, you get to drive a cart. Essentially the perfect job.
    Con: Might need some special class of cart license or something.
    III.8 Root for Your Team from Afar
    Moving to the territory of another team will obviously mean putting up with their fans every day of your suddenly miserable life. Factoring in the expense of the occasional vandalization of your home into the household budget is to be an immediate consideration.
    Surpassingly popular teams, like the Cowboys, Steelers, Giants, and Packers have pockets of fans in every market, which goes a long way