Free The Voyage of the Golden Handshake by Terry Waite Page A

languages, all of which I speak fluently. Thank you for your kind attention and have a wonderful day.’
    ‘Damn waste of time,’ said Albert as they made their way back to the suite. ‘Who the hell needs French to order Brown Ale.’
    No sooner had they got back to the cabin than the buzzer sounded again. ‘Good Lord,’ said Alice. ‘Is there no peace?’
    Once again they joined the throng and made their weary way back to the loudspeaker. This time there were not quite so many people, as the more infirm of the group were still returning to their cabins following the first call. A few moments passed and the loudspeaker burst into life. Now it was Captain Sparda.
    ‘Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a lovely morning and we are well on our way. It is mandatory that at the start of every cruise there be a lifeboat drill. Yesterday, due to events beyond our control, we could not have the drill and so it will take place this afternoon, following the short visit to Calais. Please read the lifeboat instructions fastened to your bathroom door. Thank you ladies and gentleman. Happy sailing.’
    ‘Why the hell can’t they co-ordinate these announcements?’said a disgruntled Albert. ‘We will spend all day running up and down the ship. I came for a cruise, not marathon training.’
    Again Alice said nothing as her feet were hurting and she was beginning to feel a little queasy due to the slight motion of the ship. As it was almost eleven, instead of returning to their suite they found the Friesian Lounge where a largish group of passengers had assembled. Enzo made his entry and perched himself on a stool, whilst the class sat around him.
    ‘First,’ he said, ‘you will divide into groups. Each group will be tested after I have instructed you all. Points will be given for correct answers. At the end of the cruise you will not only have mastered several languages, but will have earned points to win wonderful prizes.’
    He produced a book within which he had written a list of French words.
    ‘Right,’ he said, ‘repeat after me. Thank you - - - Merci .’
    The passengers obediently repeated the word.
    ‘Isn’t he wonderful?’ whispered a passenger seated next to Alice. ‘He never forgets a face and has a total command of thirty-six languages.’
    Alice held her counsel.
    ‘Wine - - - vin,’ he continued, and added a dozen or so other words which he regarded as essential.
    Suddenly he pointed towards Albert. ‘Wine?’ he commanded. ‘Quick.’
    Albert blinked. ‘I don’t want wine,’ he said. ‘I want Brown Ale.’
    ‘No points for one,’ said Enzo with obvious satisfaction.
    ‘What the hell was all that about?’ asked Albert when the class was over.
    ‘That’s it for me. Leave French to the Frogs, is what I say.’
    Lunchtime approached and Alice had no appetite whatsoever. In order not to leave her on the first day, Albert considerately decided to order room service from the list in the suite.
    ‘What’s “De Jour” soup?’ he queried as he read down the list.
    ‘Sounds French to me,’ replied Alice. ‘Best not have that.’
    He read further.
    ‘Pommes Frites,’ he said. ‘That sounds like an Aussie concoction. Don’t think I want that.’ Finally he settled for a corned-beef sandwich with pickle and a Brown Ale on the side.
    Although Albert did not know it, he had made a fortunate choice as Radley Duvet had ordered a very large number of tins of corned beef which he reckoned could be used in many different ways. Many other items on the menu were regrettably off and would remain off for a considerable period of time. The Brown Ale did not arrive as the ship had yet to dock in France where alcoholic supplies were due to be purchased by the passengers. Albert had to content himself with a Dandelion and Burdock.
    After lunch, Albert suggested that Alice might rest foran hour or so and he would do the same. Alas, due to the fact that the Daily Programme, normally circulated to each