Free Catastrophe Practice by Nicholas Mosley Page A

—
BARMAN
I’ve got this daughter, see, aged fifteen. They have her out in front of class. She wears a belt, black stockings, and somethingloose round the top —
HARRY
She lay in her pram —
BARMAN
Children see by what they learn —
HARRY
What did she learn —
BARMAN
The sun doesn’t get filtered —
HARRY
— At this high altitude?
    They wait
.
    After a time the Barman goes to Harry and swats him on the shoulder as if there were an insect there. Then he mimes picking off the insect and dropping it on to the ground
.
    The glass door opens, right, and a girl comes in. She is dressed in the uniform of an air hostess. She carries a folder with papers. She comes to the centre of the stage and stands there looking through her papers
.
    The Barman watches Harry
.
    Harry has turned to the Hostess
.
    After a time he says as if he is trying not to act —
HARRY
I’m looking for my wife —
HOSTESS
Oh, do you know what plane she’s on?
    Harry puts his hands to his head. He gets up and walks round the stage as if in despair. After a time he calls —
HARRY
No!
    The Hostess acts as if she is near to tears
.
HOSTESS
— Then I’m afraid I can’t help you —
    Harry comes and takes her papers out of her hand and leafs through them
.
    The Barman turns to the audience. He acts as if he were ad-libbing —
BARMAN
The Lord of the Manor could have any girl he wanted on his wedding night. On his wedding night he wanted this girl. The problem was to get her into the manor past his wife —
    Harry jabs a finger at the papers he is holding
.
HARRY
After —
HOSTESS
What —
HARRY
— Because I don’t love you —
    The Hostess takes her papers back. She looks through them
.
BARMAN
— There were two staircases, or spirals, the one going up, the other down. They were joined, but they never met. Occasionally there were windows —
    He looks up to the back of the auditorium. He waves —
    Coo-ee!
    Harry is watching the Hostess
.
HOSTESS
When they come in?
    Harry says as if quoting —
HARRY
— Don’t I know you —
    The Barman speaks as if to the audience —
BARMAN
But if they separated, they died —
    Harry turns away from the Hostess. He seems to finish the Barman’s line
.
HARRY
— Or immediately formed another attachment.
    The Hostess goes out through the gothic door, left
.
    Harry goes and sits on a stool at the bar
.
    After a time the Barman, facing the audience, calls —
BARMAN
How’re you doing?
HARRY
All right.
BARMAN
Wife and kids?
HARRY
All right.
    The Barman goes back to the bar. He puts away the bottles and glasses
.
BARMAN
— You’ve got to live —
HARRY
Where is the necessity.
    The Barman goes to the food lift on the left of the bar and opens the hatch and shouts down in a mock upper-class voice —
BARMAN
Will you come up here a moment please?
    He listens; then shouts —
    And bring your tennis things —
    He closes the hatch. He turns to Harry
.
    The smell down there! Honestly!
    He tidies the glasses and bottles at the bar
.
    I read a book the other day. There was this headmaster, see, aged fifteen. He had them out in front of class. He’d been given carte-blanche by the parents —
    The gothic door opens, left, and the Char comes in. She is a good-looking woman in her sixties. She wears a fur. She speaks with an upper-class accent
.
CHAR
Did you hear that bang?
BARMAN
Yes I thought it was one of me legs coming apart.
CHAR
How is the poor little thing?
BARMAN
Its breathing.
    The Char glances at the audience. Then she comes to the bar and sits on a stool by Harry. The Barman faces her across the counter
.
BARMAN
Sign here, please. In blood. You know the symbols? Dip the pen in the inkwell —
    He acts ghostly laughter
.
    Then he looks down at the counter
.
    There’s one stipulation. You must bring her home before morning.
HARRY
Why?
CHAR
I’ve lost my keys.
HARRY
You