Free Life... With No Breaks (A laugh-out-loud comedy memoir) by Nick Spalding Page A

corporate entertainers - or organising company outings to the back of beyond.
    Pay peanuts and invariably… get monkeys.
     
    I don’t think any of us labour under the misapprehension that management are going to raise our pay unless they have to. So it’s doubly important to make sure we make our work lives as pleasant as possible.
    To whit, here are a few helpful suggestions:
     
    Spalding’s Top Tips For A Stress-Free Working Life
     
    1. Never work more than the hours you’re paid to do. They can’t sack you for it. It’s right there in your contract, alongside your job responsibilities and the warning about not stealing office equipment. If you don’t have a copy then Cheryl in Personnel is only a phone-call away.
     
    2. Don’t be an arse kisser. Don’t spend your time being nice to the boss and working over-time because you think it’ll curry favour. It won’t. It’ll just make him think you’re an idiot that extra work can be piled onto at a moment’s notice.
     
    3. Avoid office politics. If a colleague approaches you and starts to moan about how that bitch from Accounts got a bigger office even though he’s been there longer, just smile, nod and walk away . You know damn well if it gets back to the bitchthat you’ve been complaining about her, it’ll be you she marks out for special treatment and him she’ll end up shagging at the Christmas party.
     
    4. Don’t plan your future in your current job more than six months in advance. Why? Because if you start to hang all your hopes on it, it’ll take on more meaning and you’ll plan your life around it too much. More meaning equals more pressure, which equals more stress - and we don’t want that!
     
    5. Don’t compare yourself to those around you. Just do your job and do it as best you can. Yes, Michael across the hall might have his name on the employee of the month poster, but chances are he’s also got no social life, lives with his mum and can speak Klingon.
     
    6. Get the job papers every week. Even if you’re happy with what you’re doing now. You never know when an amazing job will crop up and you don’t want to get stuck in a rut. It can lead to depression and a feeling of being trapped. Besides, seeing that someone is advertising a job strikingly similar to yours - but for two thousand less a year - always puts a warm glow in your heart, doesn’t it?
     
    7. Try your hardest to never mention work when you’re not there. It’s impossible not to think about it sometimes when you’re up against it, but it’s vital you don’t tell your friends or family what the problem is. They won’t understand and you’ll spend an inordinate amount of time explaining what a processing report actually is, before you get to why it’s important you deliver it to the boss at 9am. Just leave well enough alone and with any luck they’ll do the same.
     
    8. Throw sickies as much as possible - unless your work involves saving lives in some way, in which case you’re stuffed. Otherwise, the company isn’t going to fold just because you take Monday off with an attack of the shits.
     
    I’m a terrible one for skiving off sick.
    If there’s something I’d rather be doing than sitting at a desk, drinking machine coffee and eating tasteless sandwiches while I write bullshit, then a convenient phone-call to the boss to say I won’t be in today is inevitable. Talking through a tea-towel into the phone always helps, I find.
    I try not to do it too much in a short period of time. It’s a constant balancing act. How many times can you be off ill without people thinking you’re skiving?
    I’ve got it down to about once every three months.
    You also have to account for the law of sod, which dictates that anytime you skive off work for a couple of days to go jet ski-ing, you can be guaranteed the following week you’ll get a dose of the flu and will have to go into work with it. You don’t want to use up your boss's patience completely and eight