Free Life... With No Breaks (A laugh-out-loud comedy memoir) by Nick Spalding

head, extinguishing the battle rage instantaneously.
    He looked up at me with an expression I could only hope to copy by ramming a baseball bat up my arse.
    I started to babble apologies.
    The effect was diminished by the fact I was still waving the paintball gun around in wide arcs. Realising I was apologising and threatening them at the same time, I chucked the gun on the ground as if it was a red hot poker.
    The icing on the cake came when I tried to help fatso to his feet.
    I took his plump hands in mine and wrenched him upwards.
    I am eleven and a half stone. He exceeded this by about eight.
    The laws of physics took over and he fell back, now with the added bonus of me body slamming onto him as I toppled over.
    I disentangled myself from the mess still spouting apologies and retreated to a safe distance while my unfortunate victims sorted themselves out.
    Once everyone was back on their feet, the now orange spattered pharmaceutical giant began to laugh off the incident in that oh-so-very British way:
    ‘Ah ha ha. No harm done. Good shooting! It’s all just a bit of fun isn’t it?’
    And so on.
    I started laughing too. It was the kind of laugh insane people make in action movies before the hero blows them up.
    We walked back to the meeting station, with me pushing on ahead to remove any twigs or stones that might trip up the great and exulted client.
    Word eventually got back to my boss Calvin, who was at the time embroiled in a last ditch stand against the reprographics department in another part of the forest.
    It was a fairly still day, so the sound of ‘Oh fuck me, no!’ could be heard quite audibly as it drifted through the trees.
    He arrived at the station a few minutes later, puffing and sweating. It was obvious he’d sprinted the half mile back to begin the smoothing of ruffled feathers.
    Calvin started with the apologies and shot me a few dirty looks. I’m sure I heard him use the word moron at least once - and thought he probably wasn’t using it to describe himself.
    Discretion being the better part of valour, I removed myself from the general vicinity as quickly as possible.
    A few colleagues asked me where I was going and I made up some excuse about feeling ill, buggering off before they had a chance to question me further.
    I got changed out of the combat gear, surrendered my spare paint balls to the surly looking marshal and skirted the meeting station, making a bee line for the car park.
    I left the site, rooster tails of mud spraying up behind the BMW alloy wheels as I made my getaway.
     
    The groan that escaped my lips at 6.30am the following Monday morning was louder than usual. I knew full well that a chewing out of epic proportions was in the offing when I got into work.
    The fat, sweaty client - thankfully - didn't remove his account from our firm, despite my best attempts to murder him in the New Forest.
    He did however take to the hills as fast as his chubby feet would carry him once the job was over.
     
    This calamity was brought down on my head because someone had suggested that it’d be good for the morale and productivity of the staff to spend a day shooting at each other in the woods.
    Sigh .
    This is what employers, team building session organisers and tanned American business entrepreneurs fail to realise: There are only one or two things that actually raise morale and productivity in the workplace.
    The first of these is shorter working hours.
    The second - and by far the most important - is:
    Money .
    Cash.
    Moolah.
    Reddies.
    Old-fashioned sterling, guv’nor.
    Forget all your well-meaning motivational posters and stupid team building exercises. Chuck out the morale-boosting bring your child to work and wear jeans to work days.
    You want us to work better, work harder, work faster?
    Then pay us more than the paltry amount we currently get!
    …this is not the way of things, however.
    Instead of paying us more money, our employers choose to spend twice as much on hiring