Free Bastion Science Fiction Magazine - Issue 7, October 2014 by Manfred Gabriel Alvaro Zinos-Amaro Jeff Stehman Matthew Lyons Salena Casha William R.D. Wood Meryl Stenhouse Eric Del Carlo R. Leigh Hennig

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    And of all the patients, she talks to you?
    I know what you’re thinking. She’s some figment of my imagination. Hell, you might even think I’m making the stuff about being scared. But it’s real. She’s real. Said she can see me. Like I didn’t know there were eyes in my room. She says that she liked how I looked. Most guys here, they’re old, or they don’t care about their appearance. Me, I look like I take care of myself. I tell her I exercise in my room. Pushups, sit ups, running in place. She says she knows. I wonder what else she’s seen.
    Sounds like she has a crush on you.
    Yeah, probably. Don’t know if she’s ever been with a man. Don’t know what she looks like. Imagine she’s a waif of a thing, gaunt. Too young. Not my type. Some of my murder, we’d go on leave, and first place they’d head to was a comfort house. Find the youngest one in the bunch. Not me. Nice to get the attention though, remind me that I’m still alive.
     
    #
     
    No, I didn’t want to die.
    But you were standing in the airlock, your hand on the button, ready to open it up into space.
    I told you, I’ve never been scared. I thought facing my own mortality might scare me.
    But in the military, you did that all the time.
    I was working.
    And did you? Think about death, I mean. While you were in the air lock.
    Course. Can’t help it. I tried to imagine myself being blown into the vacuum, floating for a couple of minutes, unable to breath, then exploding. Then nothing.
    And that didn’t frighten you?
    You can’t be scared of nothing. Long ago stopped believing in heaven. All a fantasy. Wishful thinking.
    By those who are afraid?
    I guess.
    Want some coffee?
    Sure.
    Tastes lousy, but it’s all they have in here. So, you thought about it? Hitting the button, I mean.
    Who wouldn’t, especially if you’re like me?
    You’ve never told me what’s so bad about not being scared. Most people spend their life being scared. They wouldn’t mind being free of fear.
    How would you like it if you could never be happy, or sad, or angry, or in love? Good or bad, they’re all emotions. Part of being human. I feel like, without fear, I’m missing something important.
    But you didn’t open the airlock.
    No, a couple of tars grabbed me before I could.
    So you would have? You did want to die.
    Yeah, suppose so.
     
    #
     
    Cecilia, that’s her name. Talk to her every night, after the lights are out. We speak real quiet. I can almost feel her breath. It’s like she’s in the room, not a disembodied voice.
    What do you talk about?
    Last night, I told her why I’m here. I’ve told some others on the outside about it, kills in my murder, a couple of girls I’d been with. None of them believed me. Or if they did, they thought I belonged in here. Cecilia was different though. Curious. Had lots of questions.
    Then she told me about her mother. Scared of everything. Worried constantly. Wouldn’t let her go out and play by herself when she was a little girl. Had her chipped so that she would know where she was every minute of the day. Picked her up from school, even when she was old enough to walk by herself. Made Cecilia frightened, too. She couldn’t talk to strangers, froze in a crowd. Asked her if she thought her mom caused her problems. She was quiet for a long time after that.
    You like, her, don’t you?
    I feel bad for her. Being in here.
    You’re in here.
    Yes, but I can leave whenever I want.
    Not without my say so.
    Try me.
    Then why don’t you go?
    I’m still hoping you can help me.
     
    #
     
    You don’t believe that I can’t feel fear.
    I believe you believe it.
    Cecelia believes me. She’s the only one who’s ever believed me. She’s been here so long, she knows crazy when she sees it. She could be something if she ever got out of this place. Could be a coat, if she wanted. Smart, has these insights, this way of getting me to talk. Know what she told me? She said I’m as healthy as anyone else. I just have