Free Wallflower at the Orgy by Nora Ephron

chin,” he added. “Now, I had a friend with a long chin who had his chin broken in surgery and shortened. He looked
fabulous
. Just
fabulous
. Of course he died.” Traynor applied base, plucked eyebrows, brought out bone structure with shadowing, lightened outside of face for widened effect. Put brown eye shadow on chin bottom to shorten, light line down nose to narrow, powder on eyebrows to de-emphasize. Throughout told rollicking tales of other lucky women he had made up and insulted. “The other night,” he said, “I was at a beauty clinic on Staten Island and a girl who had freckles under her eyes asked me what I thought of using skin bleach to lighten them. I said I didn’t know what product she was using, but that it was probably bad for her since the area under the eyes has so little natural moisture. Well, after I said that, her mother stood up and disagreed. She said she’d been using the same bleach for almost forty years. ‘And, Madam,’ I said, ‘the skin under your eyes looks just like crepe.’ ” Traynor giggled with glee.
    Then, still chortling, he tackled eyes. “Each eye is great,” he said. “Individually.” Painted, shadowed, eyelined, glued on false eyelashes. Put on bright red lipstick. “I have to for a black-and-white picture,” he said. He looked into mirror. “Omigod,” he said. “She’s gorgeous.” False eyelashes did not look false. Eyelid no longer drooped. Face was wide. Chin was short. Nose was narrow. “You look just like Kay Kendall,” said the Beauty Editor.
    “And remember,” said Traynor, “you can’t kiss anyone because half your face will fall off.” He looked at my hair, still in rollers, and continued. “I know just how I would do your hair.”
    “How?” I asked.
    “Very architectural and geometric and sculptured and short,” he said.
    “Really?” I said. “I always thought my hair should soften my features.”
    “My dear,” said Traynor, “it’s like putting a Rubens frame on a Picasso painting. You just can’t put something that’s soft and pretty around something that just isn’t.”
    He paused. “Whoops. What have I said?”
    Beauty Editor produced fluffy white-lace dress cut low and dangly earrings. Put them on. Traynor applied cleavage (brown eye shadow again). Lupe arrived to comb out hair. First hairdo soft, fluffy, and fortiesish. Loved it. Looked just like Gene Tierney. Looked luscious. Looked beautiful. Mark Traynor hated hairdo. Lupe hated make-up. I am not paying attention. I am overwhelmed. “It is,” I announced, “no longer necessary for me to have a personality.” Second hairdo: the ringlets in the front. Loved it. Looked just like Elizabeth Taylor. Mark Traynor hated hairdo. Lupe continued to hate face. “It’s overdone,” said Lupe. “But it had to be overdone,”Beauty Editor explained to him, “because the pictures are black-and-white.” Third hairdo: long ringlets everywhere. Loved it. Looked just like Scarlett O’Hara. Fourth hairdo: simple, just a few ringlets. Love ringlets. Husband arrived for inspection. He looked puzzled. “You look very strange,” he said. “You look artificial.”
    “But it has to be this way,” I said, “because the pictures are black-and-white. And anyway, don’t you think I look like Gene Tierney?”
    Finished photo session at six p.m. Took off fluffy white-lace dress and put it back in box to be returned to wholesaler. Took off earrings and dropped them into jewelry case belonging to wholesaler. Took off ringlets and put them back into wig case to be returned to wholesaler. Went home with my husband and my new face to my new glamorous life.
    AFTER
    Thursday Night
    Husband and I arrived home. “I still think you look strange,” he said. Began packing for trip to Mexico. Teen-aged sister, Amy, arrived to learn how to feed cats. “What did they do to you?” she asked. “It had to be this way for black-and-white pictures,” I explained.
    Girl friend Roz came over. “You