Free Avoiding Mr Right by Anita Heiss Page B

keys, laughing
to myself the whole time. There we both were, naked, and
not joined at the hip as the saying generally went, but
joined at the ear and penis. What a sight.
    I was embarrassed and nervous but there was no other
option. What would my new housemate think, the one
who'd only known me a week?
    'Shelley, it's me. Sorry . . . I know . . . In my room . . .
Long story . . . Can you come in, please, I'm in a bind . . .
Yes he is, but he's in a bind too . . . Just come in, please,
and be warned, it's not pretty.' I put the phone down on
the bed.
    'Are you mad? We're both naked.' James wasn't happy.
    'What choice do we have?'
    When Shelley entered the room she gasped loudly
and put her hand over her eyes. 'I am so not interested in
a threesome. Sylvia never said that was your thing. This
situation really isn't going to work, sorry.' And she started
to walk out.
    'No, no,' I called after her. 'I'm stuck, we're stuck.'
    'What? What do you mean?' And she tilted her head
to the side trying to figure out how we could possibly be
stuck.
    'Shelley, this is James. James, this is Shelley.' They both
threw little embarrassed waves to each other. 'My earring
is caught.'
    'On what?' she asked.
    'On his—' I paused, 'penis piercing.' She screwed up her
face. 'We need you to uncatch us.'
    'Are you serious? I don't want to see his – you know –
and I'm certainly not touching it. Sorry, James, no offence.'
    'None taken.' He had his hand over his eyes.
    'Shell, if you don't come and unhook us I'm going to yell
out to you all day, and pee in this expensive ensemble that
your parents love. Now please do it – I'll cook and clean for
the next two weeks, I promise.'
    'Liar. I know you can't cook. And you're already supposed
to be doing the cleaning and looking around this
room I don't think you've been doing too much at all.'
    'Well, I'll buy all the wine and Pimm's, then.'
    Shelley walked over cautiously, mumbling, 'I must be
freaking insane. I'm putting the rent up now – I need danger
money living with you.'
    When Shelley left the room holding in her laughter, I
crawled up the bed. For some bizarre reason we were both
suddenly horny as hell and all over each other, like my
roommate was some crazy aphrodisiac.
    I lay back and James went down on me. I was still
thinking about what we were going to do about our
relationship, and how I should probably just break up with
him properly and completely, because I was almost certain
that I was never going to be the wife and mother he wanted
me to be. Having sex with him then made me feel like the
jerk guy who has sex with a girl knowing she loves him
even though he doesn't want the commitment. I felt guilty,
but I couldn't bring myself to stop James. He seemed to be
having a good time, and so was I, for that matter. I decided
I should show him due respect and let him finish the job
before we started talking about our future, or lack thereof.
    James left on Sunday evening and I cried at the airport.
Things between us were still uncertain, but I wasn't interested
in being with anyone else while I was in Melbourne
and nor was he in Sydney, so we agreed that we would just
keep going the way we were going and would wait until we
were living in the same city again to see what we would do.
Well, that's what I agreed.

eleven
Toorak and tramlines
    As the weeks passed, Shelley and I were like two snow peas
in a wok, just as she'd predicted. I was loving food and
drinks and cakes and the garden and living in St Kilda.
Occasionally cousin Joe would drop by, whether I was home
or not, and leave a sampling of his latest creation, which
Shelley and I both appreciated. I wasn't that homesick
because my family, Sylvia and Shelley had filled the void
that Alice, Dannie and Liza had left. The difference with
Shelley was that I wasn't squeezed in around the boyfriends.
And likewise, I didn't have to check James's schedule to see
when it was okay for me to