Free Stirring the Pot by Jenny McCarthy Page A

thought,
Screw it. At least she didn’t think I was Jimmy Carter!
    When you really do need to wallow in your sorrows and self-pity just a little longer, put on a pair of stretchy pants, mix up a batch of my Pity Party Mix, and indulge.
    PITY PARTY MIX

    Ingredients:
    2 cups Bugles
    2 cups White Cheddar Cheez-Its
    2 cups Glutino Pretzels
    2 cups Cap’n Crunch with or without Crunch Berries (ladies’ choice)
    2 cups popcorn
    2 cups Lucky Charms
    2 bags white chocolate chips or white almond bark
    Directions:
    Toss the first six ingredients together. Melt white chocolate chips or almond bark and toss the dry ingredients in it until coated. If you can stand to, spread the mix on wax paper to allow the chocolate to harden. Then chow down. If you can’t wait for the chocolate to harden, periodically wipe your hands on those awesome stretch pants. If there is any left over (unlikely), store in an airtight container until your next meltdown.

Date Night Etiquette
    1. We all see the occasional Facebook posts that say “Date Night!!” Don’t be that asshole. Keep it to yourself.
    2. Don’t post or tweet
during
date night. You are supposed to be focused on the person across the table from you, idiot.
    3. Go to a family-unfriendly restaurant. If they have a kids’ menu (or if the chef is willing to serve the homemade pasta with just butter and cheese), you have failed.
    4. Swear. Cuss like a sailor. Get it all out while you can. If anyone within earshot has a problem with it, throw your butter knife at them.
    5. After dinner, have sex in a cheap motel or in the backseat of your car. You run the risk of getting abinky or animal crackers stuck in your crack, but who cares? You’re getting laid in a location that is not your boring bed.
    6. Don’t keep checking your phone to see if the babysitter has called. Your kids are fine. They’re probably asleep or eating candy while the babysitter is texting friends to come over and drink all your vodka. All’s well.
    7. Discuss ahead of time who will talk to and pay the babysitter when you get home. The person who pulls the short straw on this should stop drinking a little early. There is nothing worse than slurring to your sitter. Driving home drunk is bad, too.
    8. If your babysitter doesn’t have her own transportation, spend a little extra to arrange for her to get a cab or car service home. You certainly don’t want to drive her home in the car you’ve just bonked in.

Reverse Psychology
    They say that good thoughts do more than just distract you from bad things—they can also attract good things.
    And we’re told—even from a very young age—that compassion toward others breeds kindness in return. That whole Golden Rule thing, you know?
    Any and every guru worth his or her salt would argue that satisfaction in life comes from enjoying the present moment for what it is, not dwelling on the past, fixating on the future, or fretting over what others have that you do not.
    Scientists even point out that optimism makes new neural pathways in your brain! (I read
Psychology Today
when I’m waiting at the gyno, too, you know.)
    Why then, with all the evidence about the power of positive thinking and the great things that can come of great behavior, are pessimism and pettiness the default temperament for so many? I mean, could there be an evolutionary benefit to negativity? OMG—I may be on to something now!
    (Even if science can’t prove that particular theory, there is a whole lot of evidence that bad things happen all the time to good people, which proves the legitimacy of negative assumptions and defeatist thinking. So there.)
    I have my own fun little theory. I believe that there is a certain magic, a powerful power, in negative thinking. So many of us “go there” because it obviously gives us something we can’t get anywhere else: the sweet, sweet comfort of denial. The kind that ostriches must get when they bury their heads in the sand. If harnessed correctly, it can