Free Is It Just Me? by Miranda Hart

going scrambled eggs.’
    ‘Is that all?’
    ‘Don’t worry, I’ll have chips at the pub first.’
    ‘I was going to say . . .’
    It was boredom, pure and simple, which brought about this obsession with the next feed. I was occasionally nostalgic for a richer time, when meals were the boring things you had to do between interesting activities. It was to be a bitter realisation that the older you got, the more vital meals were to alleviate the boredom or pressures of the day.
    But, being in our mid-twenties and in an office, we were happy with our daily food convos. And the joy – the total, unadulterated
joy
– brought by the occasional Friday McDonald’s. That was big news. At about eleven o’clock, someone would say, ‘I feel it today – today’s the day, I know it’s naughty, but I just feel the need . . . I’m going
McDonald’s
.’ Audible gasps from the surrounding desks. Then a half-hour conversation about what you get if you go McDonald’s.
    ‘Six nuggets.’
    ‘Oh no, I wouldn’t waste McDonald’s calories on nuggets; I’d go straight for the quarter pounder with cheese.’
    ‘I’d do a small cheeseburger and leave room for the apple pie.’
    ‘Careful, the filling’s hot,’ some card would shout and oh, how we’d laugh.
    ‘Oh no, if I’m going to do it, I’m going big, I’m going Big Mac Meal,
and
apple pie. There, I said it.’
    ‘Well, I’d go Filet-O-Fish.’ Silence. Stares. Who said that? Who on earth would suggest such a freaky, revolting thing?
    Um, hello?
    Oh, hello, Little M. What’s up? Is it urgent? Because, you know, I haven’t quite finished my list –
    It’s just, I don’t mean to be rude, except that I do. I was hoping the office list would be a bit less rubbish than this. I mean, making bulldog clip towers and hiding in the stationery cupboard? Making a damned fool of yourself over an intercom? Becoming weirdly obsessed with sandwiches? This seems neither fun nor fulfilling.
    Ah, but wait until you hear my fifth and final reason why office life is a little bit splendid. You’re going to love it . . . Little Miranda, and My Dear Reader Chum; my fifth, final and far and away most vital reason why office life is absolutely marvellous is . . .
5. It’s Sort Of Like School!
    What? Really?!
    Yes, it most certainly is. Or it can be, if you put in the effort. You see, MDRC, this is the twist in my tale. Overindulgence in boarding-school jollity made office life very hard for me at first. But then – hey presto – the varied fun-having skills I perfected at school went on to make the whole damned thing that bit more enjoyable. And, what’s more, for me, office life very often brought to mind the best bits of school: the day was nicely structured; the job was low pressure but interesting enough; you could switch off at the weekends; all your friends were right there in one big open-plan office; you could steal and hoard people’s sweets; you could subtly, cheekily indulge your dislike of authority via artfully placed Post-it note cartoons and delightful slacking off; and every day at five you could shoot out of the door and leave the day behind. Even though I didn’t always realise it at the time, it suited me down to a tee. And remember, as the saying goes: ‘You spend your youth working eight hours a day so that when you become boss you have the privilege of working twenty hours a day.’ Being the office junior has many a perk.
    You will enjoy it, Little M, I promise. It’s a very positive interlude in our life.
    Does that mean you do something different now? Something more exciting, more part of the plan?
    Ah, now. That would be telling. You’ll know, soon enough.
    Ooh, are we an MP? Did we actually become prime minister? Or maybe we’re married . . .
    * spits tea out * Sorry about that . . .
    Because I suppose the good thing about the low-pressure job is . . .
    * starts to take another sip of tea *
    . . . that we have time to go on loads of