Free Strangeways to Oldham by Andrea Frazer

been jolly entertaining to boot.
    When they were seated in the consulting room, Lady Amanda apologised very prettily for the unfortunate circumstances that had prevailed at their previous meeting, and Dr Updyke thawed a few degrees, from permafrost, to just well-chilled.
    She was delighted to note that, when he addressed Hugo, he pronounced his name completely accurately, and she smiled at the consultant, to mark her approval. She had related the trike incident to Hugo on the day he had moved into Belchester Towers, with the post scriptum of her fine for speeding, and he had laughed like a drain, and exclaimed, ‘Good old Manda!’
    Lady Amanda’s smile slightly unnerved Dr Updyke, but he pulled up the e-mail on his computer from Dr Andrew, and began to question him about his current treatment.
    â€˜I’m afraid I don’t really have any,’ apologised Hugo, looking slightly embarrassed at his dearth of pills and potions, as if it were, somehow, his fault. ‘My last doctor just told me to take paracetamol, and accept it as part and parcel of old age,’ he informed the consultant.
    â€˜Outrageous!’ Updyke exploded. ‘Who exactly was this previous doctor of yours?’
    â€˜Dr Anstruther,’ Hugo stated, and both he and Lady Amanda watched as the medical man turned scarlet with wrath.
    â€˜Silly old fool should either have retired, or been struck off the Medical Register years ago. The real toll of the harm he’s done will never be uncovered, but his treatment of you is typical of the man. He’s too old to care, too old to understand modern treatments, and only carries on for the money. Disgraceful!’
    The doctor had now thawed completely, and examined Hugo with the tenderness of a mother examining her child. ‘Right, Mr Cholmondley-Crichton-Crump, I’m going to send you off for some X-rays now, and for blood tests. I want to see you again in a week. The receptionist in the waiting area will make a follow-up appointment for you.
    â€˜In the meantime, I’m going to give you a prescription which you can have filled at the hospital pharmacy, for some jolly strong painkillers and some anti-inflammatory pills. They should ease things for you, and we can follow on from there. I have a fair idea of what the X-rays will show, and I have to warn you that it could be a double hip-replacement and a double knee-replacement for you.
    â€˜If this proves so, it will take some time – maybe a year or two – to get everything done, but I can assure you that it will give you a completely new lease of life. If you have any questions, make a note of them, and bring them along to your next appointment, which I sincerely hope,’ here, Dr Updyke paused to give a little chuckle, ‘will not commence with a bloodbath. Haha!’
    He shook hands as they left, in quite a good humour, and it was only as they made to exit his consulting room, that his expression turned to a slight frown of puzzlement. That woman had seemed perfectly OK today, but what was she? Some kind of Jekyll and Hyde personality? When she had come roaring at him on that tricycle of hers, she had looked just like a Valkyrie in full flight. Today she had been as polite as was to be expected, given who she was, and her station in life. He just hoped that he never had the misfortune to encounter the Valkyrie side of her personality again.
    The wheelchair had been left in the waiting area, and was still there when they came out. The receptionist, having noticed how slowly Hugo walked into the consulting room, had kindly summoned a porter to push him to wherever he was fated to go next.
    Clutching his fistful of forms and the prescription, Hugo lowered himself gratefully into the seat, and made his trips to the X-ray department, to have his blood taken, and to the hospital pharmacy, with un-hoped for swiftness, and they found themselves back at Belchester Towers in time for lunch, a goal