Free Fat Chance by Brandi Kennedy Page B

"But imagine the reputation he'd have in the professional world, after something like that."
     
    "Yeah, and I can't do that to anyone. I wouldn't even do that to someone I don't like."
     
    We spend another hour or so with my sisters trying desperately to convince me that I need a date, and me desperately trying to fight them off. Eventually, I win, and I'm able to convince them that when the time is right for me, the relationship thing will happen.
     
    I may have won that one, but the celebration is short and I totally lose another fight. By the end of the call, Renee has her consolation prize; she's gone online and registered me to attend her yoga class with her. And it gets worse; they've teamed up and bullied until I've agreed to go yoga clothes shopping with Chelsea.
     
    I'm pretty sure I'm really going to need therapy after that. But now, I can talk to my doctor as only a patient, for real, because he's a genuinely nice guy, because I do like him as a person. Not just because he's cute, but because he's a good guy. I refuse to cross that line now, realizing what it would do to him as a professional. Plenty of other fish in the sea, right?
     
     

Chapter Twelve
     
     
    I wish I hadn't agreed to go. All morning, while I was getting ready, I doubted myself, and I doubted the things I've learned from Dr. Caswell. I was so upset that I couldn't remember the quote for the day, so I wrote a list of good quotes from the book he gave me. It's folded up right now, tucked safely -- or lost desperately -- between the fabric of my dress and the fabric of the new bra I had to buy.
     
    After writing the list, I searched that book, reading page after page in an effort to find a quote that really stood out to me, one that spoke to me. I looked, especially, for one that was short enough to be remembered in a crisis. And right now, driving in my car and halfway through the hour-long drive home, I'm in a personal crisis.
     
    "With confidence, you have won before you have started," I say to myself, mentally thanking Marcus Garvey for being a wise, wise man. I have heard so many times from Janet and my sisters that Rick has grown, and that he has changed, but I can't help remembering the Rick that I grew up with. I remember a vicious boy, a boy I feared emotionally, a boy who held great, great power over me in some very important formative years.
     
    Then, I remember Dr. Caswell, telling me that it's time to take back my power. I almost didn't make it to this moment; I almost changed my mind and backed out of the reunion. Last night, I called the emergency number that Dr. Caswell gave me, and when he answered, I broke down and told him I wasn't strong enough, that I couldn't do it. But he said I am strong, and that I will never grow if I am too afraid to move forward, if I am too afraid to challenge myself.
     
    Because of his encouragement, I'm here. I'm in the flirty red dress that I bought with Chelsea, and I'm wearing little black boots that make me feel taller and a little more svelte. If I don't think about Rick, I feel pretty, and honestly, that just feels so good. This is the feeling I need to hold onto, and in an effort to do that, I reach over and push play on my personal confidence song list.
     
    It's another strategy I learned from Dr. Caswell, something he didn't bring up until I talked about music at one of my appointments. He said I need to create something like a soundtrack, something that makes me feel good, powerful. Sexy.
     
    For a while, I forget my worries; the playlist takes me through the drive. Christina Aguilera's power as a woman flows from my speakers in a tangible way, surrounding me, and soon I'm singing along with her. She empowers me with "Soar;" she encourages me with "Beautiful."
     
    Soon, the more playful notes of India.Arie bounce around the car, and the lyrics of "Video” flow over me like liquid self-confidence. I relate so well to the music, and it comes alive inside me as I'm driving. Other