Free Fall From Grace by Kelly Hogan Page B

mother and what must be her daughter, walking down Bleeker street according to the street sign. The girl is holding her Moms' hand and you can just feel the excitement in her eyes as she relays some fantastic story. The mother is smiling and guiding her child safely down the street. I've never met my mother, never seen a picture, but I know that this is not the way she would have looked at me. She was selfish and didn't want me. I feel an immediate sense of despair looking at this print, even though I think it was meant to be a happy piece. Ash picks up on my change in demeanour.
    "What are you thinking right now?" he turns to face me head on, crossing his arms in front. I can't help but turn towards him too. He's like a magnet, his energy pulling me towards him.      
    "Oh you don't really want to know," I shuffle my feet and look down to avoid his gaze, crossing my arms in front as well. This is getting too intense for me.
    "Try me."
    I scan the room, trying to find the right words to explain myself. The last thing I want is to scare him away listening to the 'creepy girl with mommy issues'. I see Francine giving me the stink eye and Gabs is flirting overtly with gay bongo boy. Everyone else seems genuinely happy and enjoying themselves. Why could I never be like that? I've always felt lost, alone in this world, like I'm just not fitting into the puzzle. I can't believe I am telling a stranger this, but it comes out before I can stop myself.
    "I'm thinking of my mother. She left when I was a baby and I was thinking how this is never how she would have looked at me," I gesture towards the print taking it in for a second time.
    He pauses, looking back at the happy mom, and ponders my comment; probably thinking of a way to escape the clutches of Debbie Downer. He shocks the hell out of me when he turns back to look into my eyes with a piercing and soulful stare.
    "Well Stella, sometimes things aren't always as they seem. People make choices and sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. Maybe your Mother felt that leaving was her only option. Not an easy choice. You can never think it was easy."
    Anxiously running his hands through his hair, it appears perhaps I've hit his own Achilles Heel. Where did that come from? What deep dark secret is HE hiding? I stare back into his eyes, trying to figure him out but I'm suddenly just soooo tired. Mr. Flu is definitely not done with me yet.
    His comment makes me feel better though. I've never really made total peace with my mom's decisions but perhaps they weren't as black and white as I have always thought. Dad doesn't talk about it, and I really don't like to dwell on things I can't change. My heart is broken from someone I never even met.
    I feel an overwhelming desire to just go home now and curl up in my warm bed with Harve. My trusty side-kick. Things have been shitty with Gabs, Francine is going to annihilate my reputation and now I feel the loss of my mother all over again. I must be pms-ing. I thought I dealt with this crap a long time ago. When did things get so complicated? I start to well up with tears trying to take a deep breath and shake off a very embarrassing meltdown.
      "You really are a talented photographer Ash. Beautiful."  
      I fake a smile and glance around the room, forming my exit strategy. When I look back to him, he's intensely staring at me, his green eyes seem to hold me in a trance. It's like we're the only two people in this room. The hum of conversation and music is lost on me now. I can't possibly be imagining this. It almost feels like there is an electric current bouncing between us. It makes me shiver and I pull my hands up to rub away the chill on my arms.
      "Thanks for sharing these with me. I'm gonna get going now. You have a good night."
      I turn around to leave and feel a jolt of something go up my arm. Like I stuck my finger in a light socket and the currents are winding their way up my arm; my nerve endings standing at