Free Millom in the Dock by Frankie Lassut Page A

Y fronts had appeared
in the washing basket for a while. On finding out (after much
asking around), Sue dug him up. Upon the opening of the lid John
looked up at Sue from the pocketless shroud and asked “Did you miss
me?” she replied “Of course, but have you got anorexia? And where
are your Y fronts? Because I don’t want to have to hand wash in the
tin bath twice!”
    Sharpo was
advisor for the Undertakers, because one time after I had espoused
a monologue about troubles I had with my dad, who I never really
got on with (a fight my mother fuelled), Sharpo’s advice was ...
“He’s had a heart attack, so if you sneak up behind him and shout
waaaa! Or something, he should drop dead, problem solved.”
    He also wrote
the most down to earth T shirt ever seen in Millom and Haverigg in
the eighties. On the back, it said simply, FUCK OFF AND DIE. Again,
I thought the Undertakers had bought him it (I tell people now and
they laugh).
     

     
    John before, or
after the funeral? Still wearing the shroud – that’s the Great
Midge cairns in the white shirt and Sue, John’s wife, is in light
blue.
    “He’s up to no
good Midge.”
    “Smile John,
there is no such thing as bad publicity.”
    John couldn’t,
no matter how hard he tried, get his auto
windup Rolex Oyster Perpetual wristwatch back from the Reverend
whom he’d wanted to stop taking from his stiff (limp) wrist but,
obviously couldn’t, because he was supposed to be dead. All the Rev
said was “God told me that the watch was a gift from your
departing/cheating soul to my hanging round soul, so to merely ask
for the return of said Divine ‘gift’ will certainly put you on the
path to limbo, or worse! If the gift is actually returned. However,
here you are, have it back!! With my blessing my dear and precious
child. Amen”. The Rev is actually a spinner, and I’m not talking
fishing. John of course begged the Rev to keep the watch.
    Authors Note:
Even though God forgot about Millom, not even such Divinity can
ignore the Reverend Joe.
    As I was saying
… before the folklore about JR came to my mind, the clothes from
the ex-bowler(s) are donated to the MAOS, while the wallet …???
Maybe they, the undertakers, leave it at the home for the next of
kin? They do live in big houses though don’t they and drive really
expensive cars?! And ‘still’ manage to look grim most of the time.
This is actually quite an achievement; because they are in
competition with … here we go …
     
    Dedicated to
the Rev Joe ... (he really, really likes me) .
     
     
    WANT TO SAY
HELLO TO YOUR SOUL? THEN SHOP AT … ST GEORGE’S CHURCH! AMEN. The
Rev’s office .
     
     

     
    The hill in the
background is Black Coombe. Famous because the summit is where King
Arthur first saw Millom. That’s the pitch and putt in the
foreground, near the place where the feathered Noddy Holder
died.
    This Ho! Ho! Ly
est establishment is the barbed wire protected switchboard for
Reverential (or so he says) one to one with the one who missed them
off the map in the first place, yet talks, if a little fearfully,
with only the Reverend (or so the Reverend says), who then kindly
passes on relevant thou shalt / shalt not, unedited (!?) messages
to the flock. This is where some of the residents shop for peace
and go a blabbing everything they wouldn’t tell their mum … cos
she’d tell the cops, boring them just a little more. Yes folks, the
townsfolk are not too happy at all with the Almighty and, you can
bet that when it’s all over and they walk through the Pearly Gates
and go straight to Complaints, there is still one resident who
feels mucho glee, because …
    Where there’s a
will, there’s usually a relati … sorry … a Reverend.
     
    (A REVEREND
WITH JR’S A ROLEX OYSTER PERPETUAL
... A GIFT FROM GOD! To be exact) .
     
    This is why the
Reverend has no trouble smiling in Sharpo-Ville, even when there is
a good stiff chilly breeze plus rain coming from the gusset of
Haverigg shore,