Free Millom in the Dock by Frankie Lassut

electrical normality is the Dames Ison cleaner as mentioned in
the inventions section. It does not have a plug but uses power as
in ‘Human Power’. The cleaner has been cleverly fitted to the front
of a bicycle. A complicated chain and pulley system breathes life
into the ‘cyclone’. If the owner can’t balance on a slow moving
bike very well they may have problems. There have been many
insurance claims, none of them Acts of God of course, the reason
you well know. Some of them were actually valid though, where the
user has gone tumbling over the settee or worse still, out of the
living room window. These acts were caused by the domestic toiler
trying to be clever and using Shake ‘n’ Vac. Poggy has had many
cases in his surgery of sore toes after the man of the house has
refused to lift up his feet when his missus has politely asked him
to do so, so many times, such is married life.
    M’lud: “Mr
Lassut, you did say that this cleaner is constructed from a large
jam jar didn’t you?”
    Yes M’lud I
believe I did.
    M’lud: “Good, I
like that design, it allows a woman to see the results of her
naturally, unconditioned, genetically attributed labours, her birth
right, her talent. I may get one for my wife and abort her
membership at the expensive Bodystation Gym. She can have her
exercise bike and Hoover the living room at the same time. Must
remember to lift my fee though, carry on Mr Lassut”.
    Thank you
M’lud, you can also get … erm, ‘buried.’
     
    THE
UNDERTAKERS
    Who are not
exactly thriving, so survival strategies are employed to ensure a
steady flow of cadavers. They dress up in SAS style camouflage gear
then render themselves as invisible in the bowling green’s
surrounding privet hedge a couple of hours before sunrise.
    Later, when
surface temperature facilitates joint movement and the old lizards
… sorry … ancient bowlers arrive again for the first time in their
dehydrated memories. The grimmer reapers wait patiently until one
of the squeaky shoed crew stands with their back to the privet. The
Undertaker simply shouts “BOO!” milliseconds prior to the jack
being rolled, as there is no point at all in ruining the exciting
game once it has begun, may as well sit back and watch the fight
and then BOOOO at the end.
    The undertakers
used to / still do (?) get a Christmas card from Elgar’s family
each year. Should the hit be successful clothes from the now ex
bowler are donated to the Costume Department of Millom Amateur
Operatic Society, narrowing the choice of show to ‘Hobson’s Choice’
for yet another year. You see, you can also successfully shop for
entertainment in Millom. On some weekends, when no one has snuffed
naturally and, the military trained scare tactics fail, as they
sometimes do, in order to avoid any depressing between show /
funeral boredom the thespians enthusiastically provide an ‘actoor’
usually John (JR) Clarke … typecast to play dead. They then
solemnly, melodramatically have a ‘mock’ burial … well it’s a bit
of overtime for Peg as well. It is also the only time that John
does not forget his line(s). This is where the term ‘corpsing’
comes from and, also the concept of the Real Fun funeral (think
about it). On one memorable occasion, JR asked to be really buried!
(It’s the David Blaine in him). He wanted to check out whether his
wife Sue would miss him? “Of course she would John!” everyone
assured him. His friends told the Reverend that he had died
immediately after paying for a large round so could he, the
Reverend, bury him before his wife found out and played hell with
him? The Reverend Joe agreed and, just to show how much he really
cared about JR, he went by himself into the chapel of rest and said
a few good words over John’s pauper, paper-mache casket. One week
later his wife Sue asked the neighbours if they had seen him
because his plates of gruel (all he ever gets and still asks for
more) were gathering on the table and no hemp