until today, this Wednesday, for me to fully come to the realization how true that report really was.
I was never, ever going to see my dad again.
Ever.
There was no God. Just the hope of Him. Something we all wanted so much that we tried to imagine Him next to us, and around us, and with us. But it wasnât true, none of it.
I drew my knees up as I sat outside on the porch in the back yard. My baby brother was playing in the sand a little ways away from me. I wrapped my arms around my knees as tight as they would go. Suddenly, the world seemed like a very lonely and cold place. All at once, I didnât want to be outside watching my brother. I didnât want to be alone.
I wanted to be back in my bed snuggled up and warm, like I was a week ago. I wished I didnât know that God wasnât real. I wished I was back to just being a kid trying to find out if it all was true.
But I couldnât ever be that girl again. I couldnât go back. I knew too much.
Instead, I sat on that porch and rocked while I watched my brother over my knees. I rocked and rocked and rocked.
I didnât cry.
What was the point of crying?
It didnât matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing at all; except keeping my brother and sister and mom happy.
I wasnât going to tell my mom.
I knew that much at least. I had decided it earlier that morning while I was awake in my bed thinking it all through. There was no reason for her to know what I knew. It would just hurt her. Besides, she was happier than Iâd seen her in fifteen months. I wasnât going to be the one to ruin that for her. Mom needed this. She needed to think God was real so she could live again.
Fine.
I could do that. I could be strong for Mom and my family.
But deep down, I knew the truth.
No one would ever know.
I was strong like that. My strength was all I had left.
I meant it, too. I was determined to never say a word. It was my new goal. I was very good at keeping my goals. I know because my prince told me that I was the most determined girl heâd ever met.
***
I love my family. I love them so much. I donât want them to die. I donât.
Today, Grandma was saying how she was getting old and joked about how she would die soon. Mom and Hannah laughed when she said it. Even Grandma thought it was funny.
It wasnât funny. Not one bit.
I was going to lose everyone I loved eventually. We would all die one day and then weâd be gone.
After church, I helped Mom get my little brother undressed from the Sunday clothes Grandma bought him. My mom had decided to go to church too, so we all had to go because Mom wasnât home to watch the kids this time.
I couldnât believe how happy my mom was at church. She smiled and hugged a whole lot of people and everyone was nice. It looked like she knew a lot of them from when she was smallâthey were all talking about knowing her years ago. Mom even smiled when people asked about her prince. I thought she would be sad then, but she wasnâtâtoo much.
Church was good for her. Even if I didnât believe it anymore, it was still good for my mom. It got her out of the house and doing things she wouldnât normally have done. And she smiled. A lot.
Hannah smiled a lot too. Cameron wasnât too thrilled about having to sit still, though. After a few minutes of him squirming during the sermon, I finally picked him up and took him out of the room and down the hall to the nursery so my mom could listen to the speaker.
She was really happy about thatâthat I went out of my way and took care of Cameron so she could listen. I know because she told me when we got home from church.
Cameron wiggled and squirmed as I unbuttoned his nice new shirt. He kept trying to get away so he could play with Uncle Jeremyâs cars. He loved those cars. After a few more minutes, I just gave up trying to remove the rest of his outfit. Instead, I put a t-shirt over his head and
I was never, ever going to see my dad again.
Ever.
There was no God. Just the hope of Him. Something we all wanted so much that we tried to imagine Him next to us, and around us, and with us. But it wasnât true, none of it.
I drew my knees up as I sat outside on the porch in the back yard. My baby brother was playing in the sand a little ways away from me. I wrapped my arms around my knees as tight as they would go. Suddenly, the world seemed like a very lonely and cold place. All at once, I didnât want to be outside watching my brother. I didnât want to be alone.
I wanted to be back in my bed snuggled up and warm, like I was a week ago. I wished I didnât know that God wasnât real. I wished I was back to just being a kid trying to find out if it all was true.
But I couldnât ever be that girl again. I couldnât go back. I knew too much.
Instead, I sat on that porch and rocked while I watched my brother over my knees. I rocked and rocked and rocked.
I didnât cry.
What was the point of crying?
It didnât matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing at all; except keeping my brother and sister and mom happy.
I wasnât going to tell my mom.
I knew that much at least. I had decided it earlier that morning while I was awake in my bed thinking it all through. There was no reason for her to know what I knew. It would just hurt her. Besides, she was happier than Iâd seen her in fifteen months. I wasnât going to be the one to ruin that for her. Mom needed this. She needed to think God was real so she could live again.
Fine.
I could do that. I could be strong for Mom and my family.
But deep down, I knew the truth.
No one would ever know.
I was strong like that. My strength was all I had left.
I meant it, too. I was determined to never say a word. It was my new goal. I was very good at keeping my goals. I know because my prince told me that I was the most determined girl heâd ever met.
***
I love my family. I love them so much. I donât want them to die. I donât.
Today, Grandma was saying how she was getting old and joked about how she would die soon. Mom and Hannah laughed when she said it. Even Grandma thought it was funny.
It wasnât funny. Not one bit.
I was going to lose everyone I loved eventually. We would all die one day and then weâd be gone.
After church, I helped Mom get my little brother undressed from the Sunday clothes Grandma bought him. My mom had decided to go to church too, so we all had to go because Mom wasnât home to watch the kids this time.
I couldnât believe how happy my mom was at church. She smiled and hugged a whole lot of people and everyone was nice. It looked like she knew a lot of them from when she was smallâthey were all talking about knowing her years ago. Mom even smiled when people asked about her prince. I thought she would be sad then, but she wasnâtâtoo much.
Church was good for her. Even if I didnât believe it anymore, it was still good for my mom. It got her out of the house and doing things she wouldnât normally have done. And she smiled. A lot.
Hannah smiled a lot too. Cameron wasnât too thrilled about having to sit still, though. After a few minutes of him squirming during the sermon, I finally picked him up and took him out of the room and down the hall to the nursery so my mom could listen to the speaker.
She was really happy about thatâthat I went out of my way and took care of Cameron so she could listen. I know because she told me when we got home from church.
Cameron wiggled and squirmed as I unbuttoned his nice new shirt. He kept trying to get away so he could play with Uncle Jeremyâs cars. He loved those cars. After a few more minutes, I just gave up trying to remove the rest of his outfit. Instead, I put a t-shirt over his head and
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