Free The Failure by James Greer Page A

think we could find a better candidate.
    -He’s an excellent driver.
    -Are you trying to be funny?
    -I don’t think so.
    -Okay. Well, the world is full of excellent drivers. Some of these might not even be entirely insane. How about let’s say we look for one of those.
    -I’d like to give Gregory a chance.
    -We gave Gregory a chance. And from what you’ve told me, I really don’t think it’d be fair to distract him any further from his save-the-planet mission. Or his find-his-real-family mission. Either of those two are more important than helping us rob a check-cashing place.
    -This will not make Gregory happy.
    -I don’t mean to seem callous, but I think Gregory’s got bigger problems. I think he’s got a long way to go in the direction of happiness before he can even call himself depressed. My mom always told me that you can’t depend on someone else for your own happiness. We’d be doing him a favor, Billy. And more importantly, we’d be doing us a favor. We don’t do enough favors for us, in my opinion.
    -Maybe you’re right.
    -You understand this isn’t really about Gregory.
    -I guess.
    -I’m sure Gregory is a great guy.
    -Yes.
    -He runs a nice bar, even if it’s a little too clean.
    -He does! Plus he’s figured out a way to construct a supercomputer using enormous crystals.
    -Of course he has.
    -More like a spiritual computer, but still based on science. Something to do with a quantum mechanic.
    -You mean quantum mechanics?
    -He made it sound like there was only one.
    -You should really be talking to Marcus about all this.
    -Oh, sure. He’d just dismiss me as a crackpot.
    -I doubt he’d actually use the word “crackpot.” That’s not a word you hear very often in conversation.
    -Well, whatever word you use to dismiss someone with a possibly insanely great idea but which you don’t believe is insanely great, but maybe only insane… that’s the word he would use. You know I’m right.
    -Anyway—and I would never demean you by calling you a crackpot, by the way, whatever else you want to say about me I offer equal time to all points of view—quantum mechanics is probably not going to help us in this particular situation.
    -Okay.
    -I might know a man who can drive the getaway car.
    -Who is it?
    -Some guy I met at a party a few weeks ago.
    -Who is it?
    -A guy who’s proved himself extremely helpful to me in many ways, most of which would be tedious to iterate now. He seems okay. He’s not worried about his family being replaced with sinister doubles. He doesn’t collect crystals. He knows how to drive. He even has a car. And… I get the impression he wouldn’t mind participating in some well-paid criminal activity.
    -What’s his name?
    -That reminds me of a joke. Two would-be Islamic terrorists crash a flaming jeep full of gas canisters into an airport in Scotland. Due to a combination of incompetence and luck, the canisters fail to fully ignite. One of the blokes gets oot the jeep, on fire, and starts throwing punches at the cops.
    -How is that a joke? Didn’t it actually happen?
    -That part’s not the joke. You’re too impatient. Anyway, they found out the names of the fellows what done it.
    -Weren’t they actually doctors or something?
    -Stop. Just stop. Forget what may or may not have happened in what you like to call “real life.”
    -Okay. Sorry. Go on.
    -You’ve made it almost impossible.
    -I’m …
    -I said almost . Stop talking. Okay, so, they found out the names of them as what done the job: Sinjdin Majeep and Maheed Zaroastin.
    -That’s weird you would say “them as what done the job.” That’s not American phrasing.
    -Of course it’s not. I’m setting up a Scottish joke. A joke that only people who are familiar with British phrasing would find funny, and even then many would find in poor taste at best, completely irresponsible, racist, and unfunny at worst.
    -Okay, so when’s the joke?
    -I did the joke.
    -I don’t get it.
    -Sinjdin Majeep and Maheed