Free The Best Australian Humorous Writing by Andrew O'Keefe

position on Protestant conception of Trinity really hurt them in 2004.
b) Still some doubt whether glasses, diplomatic career and smug grin might have absolutely and totally alienated him from voters.
c) Magazine wouldn’t accept the Mandarin version.
    8. Britney Spears’ skimpily clad comeback appearance on the MTV awards reminded people:
a) That she could still rock out when she wanted.
b) That stardom will often take a terrible toll.
c) To clean out the oven grease-trap.
    9. President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy was unusual for French politicians in:
a) His commitment to free-market policies.
b) His pro-Americanism.
c) Waiting till his wife left him before shagging everything in sight.
    10. Glenn Wheatley was sentenced to a jail term for:
a) Tax evasion.
b) That John Farnham farewell tour.
c) The slack bass line on “Turn Up Your Radio”.
d) Perception by some that he’s a bit of a dick, though it sounds better in legalese.
    11. Paris Hilton announced she was going to Rwanda for:
a) A fresh start after her prison sentence.
b) To draw attention to global suffering.
c) Diet tips.
    12. The sentencing of Carl Williams to 35 years’ prison assured people that the only gangsters left in Melbourne were:
a) Safely on the screen, in
The Sopranos
.
b) Too busy running the ALP right to disturb anybody.
c) Out of a job now the drug squad’s been abolished.
    13. President Pervez Musharraf declared a “state of emergency” in Pakistan to perpetuate his power by any means, provoking in the US and Australian governments:
a) Strong condemnation.
b) Mild condemnation.
c) Great interest in the process of implementation.
    14. Russian journalist Alexander Litvinenko was served food glowing bright green in a British restaurant, leading to suspicions:
a) That he was being poisoned by the Russian Government.
b) That he was being poisoned by the Russian mafia.
c) That he was the only person in the country whose lunch had any flavour.
    15. Australian footballer Ben Cousins announced that to undertake rehab for cocaine and other drugs he was going to:
a) Los Angeles.
b) Bolivia.
c) Angelo’s House de Crack, Mogadishu.
    16. The fake news team who managed to get into an APEC meeting were:
a)
The Chaser
team.
b) The Fox News network crew.
c) Jackie Kelly’s husband, in a dry run.
    17. The outbreak of equine flu resulted in:
a) Cancellation of several race meetings.
b) Concern about Australian veterinary procedures.
c) A public clamour to ban all immigration from Equinia; exposé of their queue-jumping, disease ridden …
    18. John Howard’s loss in the 2007 election was due to the fact that he lacked:
a) The public affection enjoyed by Peter Costello.
b) Alexander Downer’s common touch.
c) Brendan Nelson’s reputation for depth.
d) The cojones of Vladimir Putin.
    19. Following the election, Peter Garrett was relieved:
a) Of responsibility for climate change.
b) Of the role of answering environmental questions in Parliament.
c) That he didn’t have to dance like a freak on another Midnight Oil tour at the age of 55.
    20. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced to the world that the nation would offer an apology for:
a) The stolen generations policy against the Aborigines.
b) Supporting the 2008 nuclear attack on Iran.
c) The achingly obvious symbolism in
Jindabyne
.
d) Joe Dolce’s unaccountable failure to deliver a follow-up to “Shaddup You Face”.
e) Three sodding more years of the same.
    Big shout out to my man Sean Dooley for the disgustingly sexist Ralph Fiennes joke.
    ANSWERS: Oh, come on.

Society

MARK DAPIN
Adventures in LA-Land
    Britney Spears tried to force her way into my hotel late last night. This is not the sort of problem I normally face, but this week I am staying at the five-star Raffles L’Ermitage Beverly Hills. Apparently, Britney (she’s always Britney, never Spears) first attempted to check into the nearby Four Seasons, but was turned away because she was