Free Barfing in the Backseat by Henry Winkler, Lin Oliver Page B

forty-nine minutes. That didn’t count any stops, though, and my mom was planning to stop by the side of the road for a picnic that Honey had packed for us. There was leftover honey-fried chicken from dinner, corn on the cob with Parmesan cheese and honey, iced tea with honey, and for dessert, honey almond cake. And in case we didn’t have enough honey, Honey had thrown in an extra bottle of honey to add to any course we wanted.
    “We should be in Charlotte by three o’clock this afternoon,” my dad said. “That’s allowing exactly one hour for lunch, and fourteen minutes for bathroom breaks, which I calculate as two breaks of seven minutes each.”
    As we all know, I’m no whiz with numbers,but I definitely got the feeling that a three o’clock arrival wasn’t going to leave me much time in Charlotte to complete the homework packet. The best chance I had of finishing it before the next morning was to start in the car.
    Frankie and I were in the middle row of seats, and Emily and Katherine were in the way back. Since I didn’t want my dad to see that I was just starting the packet, I decided that I had to switch into the way back, where he wouldn’t be able to see any of the empty pages.
    “Hey, Emily,” I said. “Let’s change seats.”
    “No,” she said. “Kathy and I like it back here. We’re pretending we’re princesses hiding in our cave from the fierce fire-breathing dragon.”
    If there’s anything I hate, it’s imaginary princesses. But I was a desperate man, so I had to go along with it.
    “Wow, Em,” I said in a chirpy little voice. “That sounds like fun. But you know, I think the dragon has a good shot to toss a fireball at you through the back window. You’d be safer in the middle.”
    “Oh, I never thought of that,” Emily whispered.“Kathy, gather your things. We’re moving.”
    Kathy, gather your things?
Like, what would a lizard have to gather? A cell phone? Or a down jacket with a hood? Oh, I know. Six wilted lettuce leaves and a half-chewed carrot top.
    But I couldn’t say a word. After all, Emily was making the switch and I needed her cooperation. I kept my mouth shut.
    Once Frankie and I were strapped into the backseat, and Emily and her reptile princess were in the middle row, I reached for my backpack. I pulled the packet out, which wasn’t easy because it weighed a ton and a half. Then I got a nice, sharp pencil, opened the homework booklet, and turned to the first page, ready to go.
    It was titled “Reading Comprehension Exercise #1.” There was a long single-spaced paragraph of solid gray type followed by ten multiple choice questions. The paragraph was titled “Magellan Circumnavigates the Globe.” Wow. It took me about ten minutes just to sound out circumnavigate, and by the time I was finished, I was starting to get nauseous.
    Can I please see a show of hands of any ofyou who’ve tried to do homework while traveling in your family’s car? If your hand is up, tell me this. Did you not get unbelievably sick to your stomach while trying to read and travel at the same time? Because let me tell you, as I tried to read while riding in the backseat, I was getting greener by the minute. I don’t know if old Magellan ever got seasick, but I sure did reading about him. I didn’t even get past the second sentence before I had to yell out, “Dad, stop the car! And I’m not kidding.”
    “Hank, can’t you hold it until we reach a gas station?” my dad said.
    “Dad, this is not that kind of stop. And no, I can’t.”
    He looked at me in the rearview mirror.
    “Hank, we’re on the highway. This isn’t a good place to stop.”
    “Dad, there are only two choices here. Either I barf in the backseat, or you stop and I fertilize the plants along the side of the road.”
    “Stanley, dear,” my mom said. “I think you should pull over right away.”
    “Yeah, Dad,” Emily said. “If he barfs in this car, I’m never getting back in it again. Kathy andI will walk