Free Deep Water by Sinden West Page B

went to the public
swimming pools. I exhausted myself by swimming long lengths, and when I went to
pull myself out of the pool, I felt dizzy and had to close my eyes for a moment
as I hung from the ladder.
    “Are you okay?” My eyes opened to see a
lifeguard standing over me.
    “Yeah.” I started to climb. “I just overdid
it.” And I hadn’t eaten anything this morning.
    I sat down in the changing room for a
bit before stripping off my swimsuit.”
    “I can see that lady’s bones!” A kid
cried out.
    “Shush, don’t be rude,” her mother
admonished. “Sorry, you know what kids are like.” It took me a second to
realize that she was speaking to me.
    “Don’t worry about it,” I said, even
managing to make my lips form a smile.
    The mother matched my smile. “The only
person she ever sees naked is me, and, well, let’s just say that you certainly
can’t see my ribs anymore.” Then she frowned. “If you ever could for that
matter.”
    I turned away from them and vowed never
to have kids.
    I didn’t know why I went to the
Hargreaves Street house, or what I had planned. But when I saw Joseph’s car
parked outside, I pulled my car over to the side of the road. I just sat there,
and he finally came out. He was shirtless, and he was holding a piece of wood
which he went and tossed into a pile of rubbish. He looked good, and I gritted
my teeth, pissed at myself for admiring him. 
    I put my hand on the key and got ready
to drive off, but he spotted me, his body straightened and he waved hesitantly.
I swallowed and got out of the car. I walked into the front yard where he
waited, not even knowing why I was there.
    He spoke first. “Hey.”
    “Hey.”
    “You’ve been swimming? Did you go to the
lake?”
    I tucked a strand of still wet hair
behind my ear. “No. The pools.”
    There was a moment of silence before he
took a deep breath. “I’d kinda hoped that you’d turn up at the lake this
morning.”
    My lips twisted a little. “I’m kind of
over the lake,” I said, my raspy voice betraying my hurt.
    He tilted his head as he studied me, he
looked pained. “Listen, Jessica. About last night–”
    “Did you fuck her last night as well?”
My heart was beating fast.
    He looked me straight in the eye. “No.”
    I exhaled, relieved. Why, I didn’t know,
because it didn’t really make a difference. I nodded and turned to go.
    “Wait.” He took my hand. “You came all
the way here. At least sit down and talk to me. Please?”
    I let him lead me to the porch, and we
sat side by side, not touching.
“It’s not what you think with Katrin and me.”
    My hopes rose. “You didn’t sleep with
her?” My mouth half-formed a smile as I waited for him to answer.
    He grimaced. “No, I–I did sleep with
her.”
    “Oh.” I hugged my knees close to my
chest, not sure why I wasn’t just getting up and going.
    He took a breath and released it.
“Listen. I’ve known Katrin a long time. She lives in my street, and her home
life is…similar to mine. I guess we’ve always connected through that. We
started having sex when we were both thirteen. It’s always been like a comfort
thing, you know?” I didn’t know, but I stayed silent. “It’s never been
romantic, or a relationship. Nothing like that. It’s just something that we do
together and it’s fun. No one gets hurt. It’s like a release.”
    I watched him, and his eyes flicked to
mine quickly before looking away. “We were still screwing when I first started
to go after you. And even when we were hooking up at first, yeah, I kept at it
with her.”
    I struggled to take a breath and lowered
my face down, so I didn’t have to look at him anymore. He cleared his throat
and continued.
    “I didn’t think of it really as cheating
because it was just such a physical thing…and it was a habit. I honestly didn’t
even think about it like I was doing anything wrong. But then I could tell that
you were starting to get more into me. I thought you