Free Diary of a Mad Bride by Laura Wolf Page B

traditional.
    ME
    Your mother keeps a miniature chow in her handbag and your father’s dating your lab partner from tenth grade.
    STEPHEN
    True. But we still go caroling at Christmas.
    Yeah? Well, this year we may have to do it for profit, because there’s no way $10,000 is paying for an elegant New York City wedding.
    Stephen insists that we shouldn’t worry. “We’ll work it out.” Sure, that’s a terrific answer for a spontaneous person. But control freaks like me who can’t sleep at night without triple-checking their Things To Do list need a real PLAN. Besides, he’s so distracted by his damn computer program that “We’ll work it out” is pass-the-buck language for “You deal with it, Amy.”

october 10th—4 A.M.
    I can’t sleep. I keep reviewing the numbers in my head, and there’s no way to have an elegant wedding for $10,000. After all, this is America. Not Taiwan.
    And for the record, if I could, I’d be more than willing topay for this wedding myself. Except I work in magazines. It’s a notoriously cheap industry. I do it for love, not money. Especially at
Round-Up.
So I can’t pay for it out of my own pocket. I can barely afford clothes that have pockets. And despite Mandy’s raving about how lucrative the software industry is, Stephen’s at a start-up company, which is having trouble starting. He makes less than I do.
    I’ll just have to beg my parents for more money.
    But what if they’re being honest about their retirement fund? What if their accountant is right and they need to save now so they won’t be in the street when it’s time for premasticated foods and saltwater enemas? How selfish of me to bug them for more money. The very people who clothed and housed me and sent me to Girl Scout camp when I was twelve. Where do I get off deciding how they should spend their money?
    On the other hand, it’s not like they’re impoverished. They both work, they both have pensions, and they own their house. They’re debt-free: Nicole and I are repaying our college loans. And it’s not like they’ll starve—my dad’s middle-management at a supermarket chain. They’re even planning a trip to Europe next year for my mom’s fifty-fifth birthday. So come on, people, ease up those purse strings!
    And why is Stephen’s family suddenly so tightfisted? thought they were delighted about this marriage. Why else would they give me the coveted emerald ring?

october 13th
    B arry interrupted our review of the December proofs to ask how many kids Stephen and I are going to have. Why’s a guy I’d love to see sail the
Titanic
thinking about me procreating? He shouldn’t even look at my briefcase, let alone envision me splayed out on a hospital bed with another life spewing from my loins.
    ME
    It’s not something we’re thinking about yet. How long is your eggnog piece going to be?
    BARRY
    A double-page spread. I’ve always felt that six children made a good-sized family. Very Brady Bunch.
    ME
    My writer covering the city’s various religious celebrations says the piece is running over. He’s going to need another quarter page. And having six children has been out of fashion since medical science perfected that smallpox vaccine. Besides, if Carol Brady actually birthed all six of those kids she wouldn’t have had time to do the show.
    BARRY
    Why not? Shirley Partridge had five kids
and
a band. And with those hips you could have an entire litter if you wanted.
    What the hell’s wrong with my hips?!
    But before I could respond he was out the door and complimenting Mr. Spaulding on his choice of tie.

october 14th
    I saw two more reception venues today.
    The first was a Veterans Administration party room. And they say war is hell. You should’ve seen this room. Throw a few certified morons in there and it could pass for the D.M.V. No wonder vets are so depressed.
    The second was the ballroom at the Marrion hotel. It’s where Stephen’s ex-girlfriend Diane “I’m a Big Pain in the Ass”