Free Diary of a Mad Bride by Laura Wolf

could bear.
    Minutes later I was putting them on the elevator as Barry was stepping out. “What do we have here? Don’t tell me. Three generations of Thomas women. No doubt in town to make wedding preparations. How exciting! You know, Amy, you never did tell me how your Dream Boy proposed.”
    But before I could dodge the question Gram responded, “On the candy line at the multiplex on Broadway. The one next to the adult bookstore.” I’m not sure whether I screamed or just felt like it.
    Barry smiled. “A ‘concession’ proposal. That’s original…
and
telling.” Then he and his shit-eating grin sashayed away, his howls of laughter ringing throughout the halls.
    I turned to Gram in disbelief. But she was clueless.“What’s so funny? I’m certain that’s what Stephen told me.” Looking at her sweet, innocent face I remember thinking, If she weren’t such a kind old lady I would definitely kick her teeth in.

october 1st
    I saw five reception venues today as my lunch hour turned into a lunch afternoon. Two hotels—too expensive. One garden restaurant—affordable if I want to get married on a Tuesday night. A corporate event space in the East-Asian Cultural Building. Too impersonal. Too cold. Too scary. Do I really want a bust of Chairman Mao spotlit during my wedding reception? And a SoHo art gallery. Great except I’d have to buy a hefty insurance policy for the artwork, which would remain on the walls during my event. Scheduled for June 2nd—“High Heels and Hymens: Fetishistic Nude Photography.”

october 3rd
    S tephen’s just informed me that his friends Mitch and Larry are going to be his best man and groomsman.
    Mitch and Larry, who might as well be called Beavis and Butthead, are like Mandy—only emotionally stunted. Unable to maintain their appearance let alone jobs or relationships, they have little to do with who Stephen is now. They’re more a part of his past than his future (God willing). They’re his old fraternity brothers who have yet to realize that college is over, the frat house is gone, and those gray hairs in their goatee mean that forty-ounce beers are no longer for personal consumption.
    I was really hoping that Stephen would choose one of his more interesting,
literate
friends. But no. He got all sentimental and clung to the gruesome twosome.
    Marriage really is a package deal.

october 4th
    W e met with Father Anderson today. He’s the only minister I’ve ever seen who wears a Rolex and carries a cell phone. His broker called three times during our meeting. Apparently there was a rally on Seagram’s. Anyway, First American Presbyterian is ours on June 2nd. I just hope Father Anderson puts his phone on vibrate.
    Official THINGS TO DO List
    1. Choose wedding date
    2. Tell boss wedding date
    3. Vacation time for honeymoon
    4. Decide on honeymoon
    5. Get minister
    6. Choose reception venue
    7. Make guest list
    8. Choose maid of honor
    9. Choose best man
    10. Register for gifts
    11. Arrange for engagement party
    12. Buy engagement ring
    13. Buy wedding rings
    14. Buy wedding dress
    15. Choose maid of honor dress
    16. Order wedding cake
    17. Hire caterer
    18. Hire band for reception
    19. Order flowers for ceremony
    20. Buy shoes
    21. Plan rehearsal dinner
    22. Invites to rehearsal dinner
    23. Hire musicians for ceremony
    24. Decide on dress code
    25. Get marriage license
    26. Hire videographer
    27. Hire photographer
    28. Order table flowers
    29. Order bouquets
    30. Order boutonnieres for men
    31. Order nosegays for women
    32. Order invitations
    33. Decide on wine selection
    34. Postage for invitations
    35. Choose hairstyle and makeup
    36. Buy gifts for attendants
    37. Buy thank-you notes
    38. Announce wedding in newspaper
    39. Buy headpiece
    40. Buy traveler’s checks for honeymoon
    41. Apply for visas
    42. Get shots and vaccinations
    43. Order tent if necessary
    44. Order chairs/tables if necessary
    45. Make budget
    46. Divide expenses
    47. Make table-seating charts
    48. Choose