Free The Orange Mocha-Chip Frappuccino Years by Paul Howard Page A

arresting us. We have rights .’ And the old dear’s going, ‘Do you even know who we are?’ I presumed it had something to do with the tribunal. Of course, they stort trying to drag me into it then. The old man spots me and he’s straight over, going, ‘Ross, phone Hennessy. Tell him what’s happened,’ making a total show of me in front of Jill and half of focking Grafton Street. I just look at him, roysh, and I’m like, ‘Sorry, have we met before?’ He goes, ‘Ross, phone Hennessy. Tell him–’ and the next thing the cops drag him and the old dear off and Jill’s there going, ‘ OH! MY! GOD! that is, like, SO embarrassing. Who were those people?’ I’m like, ‘I don’t know.’ Jill goes, ‘They seemed to know you. The man called you Ross.’ I’m like, ‘Probably recognised me from the papers. I get that all the time.’ She goes, ‘Oh my God, yeah, youplay rugby,’ and then she’s like, ‘My dad went to that game against England when we lost? They must have been SO down afterwards . I said it to Ali. I was like, “Oh my God, I would SO love to give them all a hug”,’ which is when I realised, roysh, what a total sap Jill was and I decided to push on.
    The only downside of the old pair being arrested, roysh, was that I couldn’t get my new threads and also that I had to get, like, the bus home. I thought my public transport days were well and truly behind me, but there I am, roysh, upstairs on the 46a, texting JP and Christian to find out what the Jackanory is about tonight, when all of a sudden my mobile rings and it’s, like, the old man. He’s like, ‘Ross, do not panic. We’re being held in Harcourt Terrace. Now, have you phoned Hennessy?’ I’m like, ‘Phone him yourself.’ He goes, ‘Okay, let’s stay calm. We’ve got to think carefully. That’s mandatory. Now, I’m only allowed one phone call and I’ve called you.’ I’m like, ‘Bad call then.’ He’s there, ‘Hennessy’s in Jersey, Ross. He’s staying at that new golf resort I told him about. The number’s in my Filofax. In the study. Hurry, Ross. Before your mother’s coat gets infested.’
    I’m like, ‘I’m not phoning him. I’m too busy for this shit.’ He goes, ‘Ross, please. You should see some of the things that are written on the walls in here.’ I’m like, ‘Why the fock are you ringing Hennessy? He’s the goy who said you wouldn’t spend a single afternoon in jail.’ He goes, ‘What? Oh, this has nothing to do with that tribunal nonsense, Ross. We were arrested for jaywalking .’ And I just, like, broke my shite laughing, roysh, for about, like, five minutes. Everyone on the bus was looking at me, going, ‘Oh my God, what is the story?’ The old man’s like, ‘You know those lights at the bottom of Grafton Street, they take a bloody age to change. So we just crossed, and some bloody garda comeschasing after us and catches up with us at Weir’s. Now phone Hennessy. I’m planning to take an action against the State for this.’
    I’m like, ‘Do you remember that time when I got arrested during the summer? In Martha’s Vineyard? What did you say?’ He goes, ‘Ross, I can hear your mother sobbing in the cell next door.’ I’m like, ‘You told me you’d decided to let me stew. To teach me a lesson.’ I can hear him, like, banging on the door of his cell, going, ‘LET US OUT OF HERE. ARE WE LIVING IN CHILE ALL OF A SUDDEN?’ I’m there, ‘So now it’s payback time. I hope you like prison food,’ and then I just, like, hang up on the dickhead.
    Of course, half-eight, roysh, I’m getting ready to go out when the old pair arrive back at the gaff looking pretty wrecked. The old dear takes to the bed straight away. I turn to the old man and I’m like, ‘Well, Nelson, how does it feel to finally be free?’ He gives me this filthy, roysh, and he goes, ‘You think this is a joking matter?’ I’m like, ‘You’re lucky I can see the funny side of it. You made a total